Rome wasn't built in a day or without specs. I needed to see an eye doctor to make sure my eyes were cutting the mustard. The Oxford English Dictionary says that "to cut the mustard" means "to come up to expectations, to meet requirements, to succeed." The doctor was right on schedule. I was prepared if he wasn't. "Better late than blurry," I told myself. I was at a … [Read more...]

Sleep well. Those aren’t words inked on many forearms. Sleep well I was told, “Sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite.” Bedbugs? Are there monsters both under and on the bed? I didn’t need to hear that. I was born with a rare condition that caused me to never want to go to bed. This just worsened my problem. A neighbor had something called insomnia, which caused … [Read more...]

Home Sweat Home. That's what the wall hanging said. It was obviously crocheted by someone living in a home without air conditioning or by a fabric artist who eschewed spellcheck. Coming home is the best part of most vacations. Home is that place where you keep all the junk you might use one day, but probably not.   Home is where you can eat over a sink, yell for … [Read more...]

I grew up happily roaming gravel meant for travel, because I knew that one day, I’d be flying my own car like George Jetson. I dragged my dented fenders through an airport. It’s a battered backpack in slightly better condition than I was. I felt like I’d been built from recycled parts, Play-Doh, silly string, silly putty and duct tape. There was a time when my mother … [Read more...]

When I was a little boy a couple of years ago, I wore clip-on ties to church. I wore a bow tie or a necktie. A clip-on tie is a bow tie or necktie that is permanently tied and worn by attaching it to the front of the shirt collar with a clip or a band around the neck, fastened with a hook and eye. I preferred a bow tie if there was a chance of eating soup, plus it looked … [Read more...]

The car ahead of me was plodding along. It was moving a mile an hour faster than if it had been parked. The driver apparently found driving the speed of a herd of turtles to be invigorating. He was accomplishing as much as if he were milking a Plymouth Rock chicken. As an impatient teenager, I would have mumbled in the direction of the aggravation on wheels, something … [Read more...]

I checked the weather. I should have checked my blood pressure before I checked the weather. The weather report was dire. If I were a crack meteorologist, I’d predict bad weather every day. That way, if we didn’t get bad weather, everyone would be happy because we’d dodged the bullet. If we got bad weather, everyone would think I was a crack meteorologist whose Magic 8 Ball … [Read more...]

It was March 4th. I followed the instructions and marched forth. I do what my calendar tells me to do. I dug to the back of the Greek yogurt shelf because I avoid the front items on grocery shelves. Someone stopped to greet me. My brain had logged out due to inactivity. The friendly man’s name had slipped my mind. I’ve reached the age where I’m incorrectly mistaken … [Read more...]

I like movies. I grew up during the Dark Ages. They were the grim times before cat videos were available 24/7. Cat videos were then available 0/7. Social media consisted of papers tacked to a strategically placed bulletin board. I spent my boyhood in a home with three TV channels and zero TV remotes. There were three movie theaters within a comfortable driving … [Read more...]