July 4 had come and gone. There had been fireworks galore, and he still had most of his eyebrows. It had been a splendid summer. He'd never heard of L. P. Hartley, but Hartley had said, "The past is a foreign country; they do things differently there." But one thing remained constant. When summer ends, school begins. On a lifelong journey of self-discovery, he was in junior … [Read more...]
Silly Putty on Father’s Day is No Dad Joke
It's that time of the year. When I'd slip into a mini-panic trying to decide what to get my father for Father's Day. Pete Seeger said, "If there's a world here in a hundred years, it's going to be saved by tens of millions of little things." My father lived by that belief. That's why he had all those jars and coffee cans filled with little things—nails, nuts, washers and … [Read more...]
I Was Born in a Small Town But Not This Small
The population of the town was somewhere in the 30s, and even a kid could tell it wasn't growing. It had a church and a bar, which met the minimum requirements for being a town in those days. My parents were visiting friends there. When that happens, there is grown-up talk and a kid typically gets put out of the house with little concern about where I went or who I was … [Read more...]
To TV, or to Not TV, That is the Question
To TV, or not to TV, that was the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to buy a TV. Mom wanted a TV more than Dad wanted one. Dad thought television was a fad that would never catch on. Besides, he had a radio. Who could ask for anything more? Marriage is the art of compromise. My parents bought a used TV. We … [Read more...]
There is a Word or Phrase for Nearly Everything
After the hello. That was when we talked about where we hailed from. We were states apart. The idle chatter that followed led to the discovery that we had a friend in common. It was one of those odd coincidences that connect the dots of the universe. "Oh, my word," she said, at that revelation. "Oh, my word" is a mild exclamation of surprise, shock or dismay. It's a polite … [Read more...]
You Are What You Eat – You Blooming Onion
Americans will eat anything if it's deep-fried. Deep-fried cardboard doesn't sound bad to most people. We know we should eat better. My second cousin twice removed – I'm not sure who had him removed – told me, "There's only one thing that keeps me from going on a diet – food." I sat at the Table of Infinite Knowledge at the Eat Around It Cafe, when one member said, "I have … [Read more...]
I Was Worried the Quicksand Would Get Festus
We had a manure pile lurking behind the dairy barn. It was called a manure pile because "a pile of manure" was taken. It's what our neighbor called his Dodge Disappointment, which started only on Tuesdays and every other Thursday. On TV, when there were horses or jungles, quicksand was an effective method of population control. Poor souls, trying to evade pursuers, fell into … [Read more...]
I Said Eye See Eye Saw Eye Smiled
Rome wasn't built in a day or without specs. I needed to see an eye doctor to make sure my eyes were cutting the mustard. The Oxford English Dictionary says that "to cut the mustard" means "to come up to expectations, to meet requirements, to succeed." The doctor was right on schedule. I was prepared if he wasn't. "Better late than blurry," I told myself. I was at a … [Read more...]
If You’re Ever In a Pillow Fight, Let the Pillow Win
Sleep well. Those aren’t words inked on many forearms. Sleep well I was told, “Sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite.” Bedbugs? Are there monsters both under and on the bed? I didn’t need to hear that. I was born with a rare condition that caused me to never want to go to bed. This just worsened my problem. A neighbor had something called insomnia, which caused … [Read more...]
Buy Acme Windows – Get a Free Bucket of Invisible Paint
Home Sweat Home. That's what the wall hanging said. It was obviously crocheted by someone living in a home without air conditioning or by a fabric artist who eschewed spellcheck. Coming home is the best part of most vacations. Home is that place where you keep all the junk you might use one day, but probably not. Home is where you can eat over a sink, yell for … [Read more...]