To TV, or not to TV, that was the question: Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to buy a TV. Mom wanted a TV more than Dad wanted one. Dad thought television was a fad that would never catch on. Besides, he had a radio. Who could ask for anything more? Marriage is the art of compromise. My parents bought a used TV. We … [Read more...]
There is a Word or Phrase for Nearly Everything
After the hello. That was when we talked about where we hailed from. We were states apart. The idle chatter that followed led to the discovery that we had a friend in common. It was one of those odd coincidences that connect the dots of the universe. "Oh, my word," she said, at that revelation. "Oh, my word" is a mild exclamation of surprise, shock or dismay. It's a polite … [Read more...]
You Are What You Eat – You Blooming Onion
Americans will eat anything if it's deep-fried. Deep-fried cardboard doesn't sound bad to most people. We know we should eat better. My second cousin twice removed – I'm not sure who had him removed – told me, "There's only one thing that keeps me from going on a diet – food." I sat at the Table of Infinite Knowledge at the Eat Around It Cafe, when one member said, "I have … [Read more...]
I Was Worried the Quicksand Would Get Festus
We had a manure pile lurking behind the dairy barn. It was called a manure pile because "a pile of manure" was taken. It's what our neighbor called his Dodge Disappointment, which started only on Tuesdays and every other Thursday. On TV, when there were horses or jungles, quicksand was an effective method of population control. Poor souls, trying to evade pursuers, fell into … [Read more...]
I Said Eye See Eye Saw Eye Smiled
Rome wasn't built in a day or without specs. I needed to see an eye doctor to make sure my eyes were cutting the mustard. The Oxford English Dictionary says that "to cut the mustard" means "to come up to expectations, to meet requirements, to succeed." The doctor was right on schedule. I was prepared if he wasn't. "Better late than blurry," I told myself. I was at a … [Read more...]
If You’re Ever In a Pillow Fight, Let the Pillow Win
Sleep well. Those aren’t words inked on many forearms. Sleep well I was told, “Sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite.” Bedbugs? Are there monsters both under and on the bed? I didn’t need to hear that. I was born with a rare condition that caused me to never want to go to bed. This just worsened my problem. A neighbor had something called insomnia, which caused … [Read more...]
Buy Acme Windows – Get a Free Bucket of Invisible Paint
Home Sweat Home. That's what the wall hanging said. It was obviously crocheted by someone living in a home without air conditioning or by a fabric artist who eschewed spellcheck. Coming home is the best part of most vacations. Home is that place where you keep all the junk you might use one day, but probably not. Home is where you can eat over a sink, yell for … [Read more...]
I Felt Like a Bag Of Hammers But Not as Smart
I grew up happily roaming gravel meant for travel, because I knew that one day, I’d be flying my own car like George Jetson. I dragged my dented fenders through an airport. It’s a battered backpack in slightly better condition than I was. I felt like I’d been built from recycled parts, Play-Doh, silly string, silly putty and duct tape. There was a time when my mother … [Read more...]
Listen When We Can – We Have a Lot to Learn
When I was a little boy a couple of years ago, I wore clip-on ties to church. I wore a bow tie or a necktie. A clip-on tie is a bow tie or necktie that is permanently tied and worn by attaching it to the front of the shirt collar with a clip or a band around the neck, fastened with a hook and eye. I preferred a bow tie if there was a chance of eating soup, plus it looked … [Read more...]
A Slow Driver is Anyone Ahead of Us
The car ahead of me was plodding along. It was moving a mile an hour faster than if it had been parked. The driver apparently found driving the speed of a herd of turtles to be invigorating. He was accomplishing as much as if he were milking a Plymouth Rock chicken. As an impatient teenager, I would have mumbled in the direction of the aggravation on wheels, something … [Read more...]