By Al Batt In a strange and distant land, in the long-ago year of 1962, a man asked Bob Dylan how he should dry his laundry. Dylan answered famously, "The answer, my friend, is blowin' in the wind. The answer is blowin' in the wind." Dylan turned that answer into famous song that posed a series of rhetorical questions about peace, war, freedom and laundry. There you have … [Read more...]
If You Want to Find Something, Look for Something Else
By Al Batt I had decided what I was going to wear for Halloween. My costume will be a gas pump. That will throw a scare into anybody who provides profits for the petroleum industry. The truth is that I haven't gone as anything other than myself at Halloween in eons. I figure I'm frightening enough. Not having to decide on a costume left me with time to do something I'd … [Read more...]
What an Extraordinary Journey a Mustard Packet Provides
I had fixed a leaking sink. I had retrieved items from tall grocery shelves at the request of two shoppers. I had easily opened plastic produce bags to put my apples in one and tomatoes in another. How did I do those incredible things? The sink repair was due to experience and luck. Success requires good luck. I grabbed the items from the tallest shelf because of genetics. … [Read more...]
If This Isn’t Nice, I Don’t Know What Is
By Al Batt Now that I'm the youngest I'll ever be, I've become a person with ambition. I did some minor sink repair, which required me to get down on all fours. I've realized that I've reached the age where I don't kneel without a plan to get back up. Did my reaching the pinnacle of human achievement by fixing the sink impress my wife? No, but it surprised her. The small … [Read more...]
Whistling While Your Dog Does Not Herd Sheep
By Al Batt A family member was inducted into something great. As her name was announced, I stood and gave a loud whistle. I'd have done more, but I wasn't sure what the rules allowed because she was one of the first to be introduced. It turned out I could have stomped, screamed and made a complete fool of myself, generally behaving as if civilization had passed me by. A … [Read more...]
Berlin Township’s 107-Year-Old Man From County Kerry
I visited five cemeteries in one day. Four of them would be called rural cemeteries, and the fifth one was in a city with a population inching past 300. What was I doing in five cemeteries? Well, I wasn't in all of them at the same time. That would be a weird superpower to have – the ability to be in five cemeteries at once. "Hold on, I'll save you! I don't know how, but I … [Read more...]
Kenny Might Have Been Wearing Substandard Bowling Shoes
The tire blew. It was louder than loud. I was waiting to walk across a road when a truck pulling a flatbed trailer carrying a backhoe had a trailer tire blowout as it went past me. The world became quieter. It reminded me of bowling. Before pickleball, there was bowling. Our phy ed teacher, in an effort to oust us from our opaque corners, decided our steep learning … [Read more...]
We’ll Weather the Weather Whether or Not We Like It
Everywhere I go, something is there waiting for me. It's called the weather. On this August day, a heaviness hung in the air, brought on by heat and humidity. It was stifling. Archie Bunker's famous catchphrase "Stifle yourself" was directed at his sweet wife Edith in the classic TV show "All in the Family." This August day would have stifled Edith without need of … [Read more...]
There’s a Butterfly On My Foot and It’s Not a Tattoo
It's another day Goal achieved. I enjoy going places and seeing things. That was part of the reason I went out onto the deck of our home, but the primary reason was to fill the birdbath with water. I do that faithfully. Before I could pour any water, a northern house wren, a tiny bird whose name is bigger than it is, yelled at me. I don't believe he was shouting … [Read more...]
I Was Within Walking Distance of a Parade
I'm trying to train the fridge to hum a happy tune. It's not going well. Its morose humming was wearing on me, and I wish to make its droning a bit more upbeat. I hope it learns the song, "I Love a Parade." Find the nearest table or desk and start marching around it. Everybody sing along in the key of off. "I love a parade, the tramping of feet. I love every beat I hear … [Read more...]