The car ahead of me was plodding along. It was moving a mile an hour faster than if it had been parked. The driver apparently found driving the speed of a herd of turtles to be invigorating. He was accomplishing as much as if he were milking a Plymouth Rock chicken. As an impatient teenager, I would have mumbled in the direction of the aggravation on wheels, something … [Read more...]

I checked the weather. I should have checked my blood pressure before I checked the weather. The weather report was dire. If I were a crack meteorologist, I’d predict bad weather every day. That way, if we didn’t get bad weather, everyone would be happy because we’d dodged the bullet. If we got bad weather, everyone would think I was a crack meteorologist whose Magic 8 Ball … [Read more...]

It was March 4th. I followed the instructions and marched forth. I do what my calendar tells me to do. I dug to the back of the Greek yogurt shelf because I avoid the front items on grocery shelves. Someone stopped to greet me. My brain had logged out due to inactivity. The friendly man’s name had slipped my mind. I’ve reached the age where I’m incorrectly mistaken … [Read more...]

I like movies. I grew up during the Dark Ages. They were the grim times before cat videos were available 24/7. Cat videos were then available 0/7. Social media consisted of papers tacked to a strategically placed bulletin board. I spent my boyhood in a home with three TV channels and zero TV remotes. There were three movie theaters within a comfortable driving … [Read more...]

My mother put another shovelful of instant coffee into her cup. “Have fun at school,” she said.   Fun? How could we have fun? We couldn’t even Google anything yet. A school bus was bliss and despair on wheels, a consistent and reliable conveyance to amazing learning opportunities. Serenaded by the sounds of a door opening with a mechanical clunk and creak, I boarded … [Read more...]

“How many miles do you have on your car?” I told him. It was a substantial number. “It’s almost broken in,” I added in a feeble attempt at cleverness. The man chewed on that for a moment before saying, “It’s almost broken.” That was unfair. It’s a dependable car. The good kind of dependable. I’ve had a dependably bad car. Each time I shoved a key into the ignition, … [Read more...]

Farms were evacuated. A national emergency was declared. You are about to enter another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land of imagination. Your next stop wasn’t the Twilight Zone. Everyone and their yellow dogs were going to Allis-Chalmers (AC) Day. It was even better than getting the Christmas wish book, a 600-page … [Read more...]

How do we prepare for severe weather in Minnesota? We go to the store. I brought the necessities home and carried them from the attached garage, through the entryway, and into the kitchen because it’s conveniently located. I grew up taking a similar path, except the garage was a shed located a respectful distance from the house. My wife was going through old church … [Read more...]

I read a newspaper from front to back. Except for one thing. When should I read them – before or after I read the funny pages? I’m referring to the obituaries. Not all newspapers carry the funnies, which simplifies my decision. The comics make me laugh, and laughter is the best medicine. I learned early on that laughter is good for the soul, unless I did it … [Read more...]

I searched behind the sofa cushions for bitcoin. We were going grocery shopping. Old Man Winter had covered the roads with butter, but they were passable. I parked the car and joined the happy throng in search of victuals. We had a list for guidance and filled the shopping cart with the things we needed. My wife needed to consult with the pharmacy about our new … [Read more...]