“What will it be?” “It will be OK,” I assured the server. It turned out she wasn’t inquiring about my nasty hangnail.  She wanted me to order. I thought about saying, “I want a rubber band sandwich and make it snappy,” but she had a stern look, which indicated I should forgo any further attempts at jocularity. I’d just talked to a fellow who was about to turn 93. People had … [Read more...]

I gave a collection of Gunsmoke  TV show DVDs to a friend going through a rough patch. A rough patch is how I describe things I don’t want to describe. It’s the opposite of a bonanza, so it doesn’t have any of the Cartwright family in it. I’m not sure how I came to possess those Gunsmoke videos. Probably at a friends of the public library book sale. Gunsmoke was a weekly … [Read more...]

I accomplished a great deal in the last 12 months. I got a year older. Another year of membership in the human race and I did it without a bye week or running a single secondary route. I took an unofficial survey and everyone I asked claimed to have been born in one of 12 months. Babies were born on Tuesday, February 22, 2022. That’s 2/22/22. I wonder if any were named … [Read more...]

She had been the sickly one of a large herd. My Aunt Edith had been delicate, but she came out of that swamp onto higher ground. She died at the age of 105 years, 8 months, 13 days, a few hours and a smidgen of minutes. Edith loved to garden, crochet, read newspapers and work crossword puzzles. She taught me how to crochet crossword puzzles. No, wait, that wasn’t her. I … [Read more...]

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... That line is from Star Wars, which never goes away. Some jaded souls say that’s true of winter, too. Winter can be a hard hill to get over, but the seasons creep up on us like cheap underwear. Spring drives in on snow tires. The seasons don’t unfold along a line. They unfold like a crumpled road map. I believe March 1 is the first … [Read more...]

I hurt my ankle while I was sleeping. I’d fallen asleep while reading a book titled, How to Get by on Less Sleep and dreamed about finding a cure for hiccups. Don’t hold your breath — I didn’t find one. I was staying in a hotel room all by my lonesome. The hotel, failing to check my references, had allowed me on the bed. As I stumbled out of that bed, intending to yell, “I … [Read more...]

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, what app do I use? I remember a day before apps when a kid named Harold got on the school bus and announced that from that point on, his name was Eugene. That wasn’t his middle name, but he preferred it to Harold. I could never remember not to call him Harold, but thanks to that memory, I remembered other things. I taught … [Read more...]

Weasels ripped my flesh. My mother wouldn’t have approved — either of weasels ripping my flesh or me searching for a magazine article carrying that title. Years earlier, it’d been the main cover line of an issue of Man’s Life magazine. I’d not seen that magazine, but I’d heard of it. I’d hoped to somehow find it in a year-old Argosy magazine in the barbershop. “Weasels Ripped … [Read more...]

What is the official state muffin of Minnesota? Please phrase your answer in the form of a question as the state song “Hail! Minnesota” plays. Time’s up. It’s the blueberry muffin. Not all states have an official state muffin. It’s hard to believe, isn’t it? And they call themselves states? I’ll give you a much easier question. What is the state soil? It’s Lester. If … [Read more...]

You couldn’t sneak up on us. On our farm, we had worthy watchdogs. One was a dog that doubled as a cattle dog. The second was a flock of guinea fowl. The babies are called keets. It’s claimed that guinea fowl eat ticks, Japanese beetles, earwigs and grasshoppers. I know they loudly announce visitors, warning poultry and humans. A relative removed his hearing aids and claimed … [Read more...]