The Inuit have 50 names for snow cones. Last year, a nice woman told me she had attended the State Fair on each of its 12-day run. She planned on doing the same thing this year. She lives closer to the fairgrounds than I do. A trip to the State Fair eats up an entire day for me and part of the next. The sounds of the fair become my three-day earworm. I’ve engaged in purposeful … [Read more...]

I’m an apex predator hunting for radishes, vital ingredients in a radish sandwich.  I picked a couple of cucumbers while I was at it.     No, I didn’t have a cat that needed scaring. I’ve never known a cat that was frightened of cucumbers.   I like cucumbers. I share them with my neighbor Crandall, who  misplaced his glasses and planted a packet of M&M’s instead. I was a … [Read more...]

I couldn’t see a sun in the sky. It had either overslept or clouds covered it. I took a deep breath. I sucked up a couple of mosquitoes into my nose. They were small ones, about the size of robins. I said, “I love the smell of wet mosquitoes in the morning,” paraphrasing Robert Duvall, who, as Lieutenant Colonel Bill Kilgore in the movie “Apocalypse Now,” said, “I love the … [Read more...]

Ouch, ouch, ouch! The water hit like thousands of tiny bricks being flung at me with incredible accuracy. I was being pelted with drops of water. It wasn’t a hard rain falling. It was hot water from a forceful shower. I’d intentionally set the showerhead to a superhero power. It was the “hurt me without doing any permanent damage” setting. Exiting the shower, I encountered … [Read more...]

I yawned. The average person yawns about 20 times a day. We yawn when we’re tired, bored, hungry or stressed. Theories say yawning wakes the brain, cools the brain or demonstrates empathy. A friend said she yawns every time she sees her dog yawn. Our cat rarely yawns. Of course, it sleeps 22 hours a day. I’d written about sleep several months ago. Then I nodded off.  … [Read more...]

The AC guy was out to make sure our air was conditioned. It reminded me that I should write something about air conditioning. I do so every couple of years to remind myself of how terrible I had it while growing up and how wonderful I had it while growing up. I didn’t grow up in the Dark Ages, but it was close. I grew up in the Dim Ages. Things weren’t as bright as they are … [Read more...]

Did you hear about the Iowa man who moved to Minnesota? Some of his siblings thought he was being downwardly mobile, but my father wasn’t about to be deterred from entering the world of infinite improbabilities that awaited him in the Gopher State. Dad could be as stubborn as a mule’s grandpa. According to a poll by a company that does polls, all 50 states tied for the … [Read more...]

Life is changed faster than underwear. My Grandpa Cook and my Grandpa Batt both lived their entire lives without seeing a single amusing cat video online. I knew men who traveled so seldom, they couldn’t find their way out of the county with a map that was paid for. A guy told me his false teeth didn’t fit. Every time he sneezed, his wife ducked. Another said he didn’t know … [Read more...]

Someone should write a song about it. Spring is filled with hints and hopes. I recall walking face-first into a fly ribbon meant to catch flies. It had caught flies, and the side of my face joined them in a sticky predicament. For a moment, I felt unequal to the new challenge. Fly ribbon (tape, strip, paper) comes in a small tube from which the twisted ribbon emerges. That … [Read more...]

It was an endurance test for bladders. Muhammad Ali said, “If they can make penicillin out of moldy bread, they can sure make something out of you.” A graduation on a lovely May day was a highlight reel of shining moments. The ceremony included a plethora of robed students with more degrees than The Weather Channel. It seemed longer than it was because that’s what those … [Read more...]

I knew the day would be special. What I wanted for lunch was breakfast, but the server asked if I’d like to hear today’s special. Why not? She said, “Today is special.” I appreciated that. Cheerfulness is a flower that doesn’t grow in everyone’s garden. The cafe’s radio played softly in the background, occasionally rising above the talk and the clatter of tableware. … [Read more...]

It was the end of the trail for me.  Until my mother came to my rescue. I had run out of money to put into the coin-operated horse ride outside the store. She found some in the bottom of her purse where coins seemed to reproduce. Hannah Senesh was a three P person. No, she didn’t letter in basketball, tennis and volleyball at Purdue. She was a poet, a playwright and … [Read more...]

Education is an elastic concept.  We were old enough to be in school, but not much older than that. One of us contracted impetigo. It spread like wildfire through our small class. It was a bonding experience, not unlike shared tattoos today.   Impetigo (im-puh-TIE-go) is a common and highly contagious skin infection that mainly affects infants and young children. We were … [Read more...]

My right sock was on its last leg. One of my big toes, even with a tamed nail, has a violent streak and insists on boring holes into my poor socks. I thought of that because I hadn’t had my second cup of coffee of the morning. I hadn’t even had my first. I don’t drink coffee.    Being distracted by a holey sock might be why I’d charged what, until that moment, had been … [Read more...]

I don’t read my horoscope. I read my wife’s horoscope so I know what to be prepared for. Why don’t I read my horoscope? I’m kept pretty busy gazing off into the distance. Besides, I’m waiting for the movie. But for many people, reading the daily horoscope is a habit they hold near and dear.   I don’t believe in astrology. I believe I’ll eat a Honeycrisp apple. Why … [Read more...]