A turtle passed me. It was a bafflement. I’d been humming the theme from “Jeopardy” as I paused on a busy highway. The turtle gave me a keen grasp of my situation. I don’t know what kind of turtle it was because it zoomed by so quickly. It might have been a Mitsubishi, but I think that was what I was driving. Upon further investigation, I discovered it was Labor Day and I … [Read more...]
We take odd things and make them our things
Why are the cardinals the last birds to leave the bird feeders at the end of the day? That’s a good question asked by a reader. I tell people they have asked good questions and hope that makes them feel good when I’m unable to answer their inquiries. I think I’ve got this one. Cardinals are among the earliest visitors in the morning and the last to leave the feeders at … [Read more...]
What did you learn or forget in school today?
I knew it was coming. It was an after-school special. I should have been prepared, but I never was. My young mind had been cast adrift in rough seas and it was easier to don a cloak of panic. “What did you learn in school today?” Mom asked me that every time I came home. Why couldn’t she have asked me what my favorite dinosaur was? That was a lot of pressure. There … [Read more...]
You can look at an eagle for a long time
“Which is better, one or two?” I wasn’t a jam judge at the county fair. I was having an eye exam. The optometrist asked me repeatedly which of the two lens choices improved my vision. I couldn’t tell and never can. I picked one by doing a “One, two, sky blue, all out except you” in my head. I want splendid vision and I appreciate those with splendid visions for the … [Read more...]
The Fair is where any problem can be solved with onion rings
It’s too hot, too humid, too rainy, too cramped. Too bad. Like moths to a lightbulb, we are drawn to it. It’s the local equivalent of Disney World. It’s the County Fair, a vast land of stomach-expanding foods. Men are powerless against massive quantities of grease. My neighbor Crandall, a noted carnievore who always asks for extra grease, said he was just going to have a … [Read more...]
Pickleball-playing pioneers found no place to practice on the prairie
They discovered the dried remains of a long-dead bird in a keepsake box. That caught my attention. Those weren’t catch-and-release words. A Nebraskan was sharing a tale from the days when covered wagons roamed that state. On the way to meet the Cornhusker and others at a state park, I’d seen a sign advertising an open house for a home for sale. I figured it wasn’t for a sod … [Read more...]
I’m not a lawn whisperer nor a lawn enforcement officer
Have you ever wondered how many people collect matchbooks? I have. I was curious for no apparent reason. It was one of those things that enters my mind as if it were a message sent from my home planet. I’d been working on my pocket knife collection. I have one in my vast collection — two if I could find the other one — when a matchbook grabbed one of my glittering … [Read more...]
Tote that bag or go to tote bag camp
The weather was close. That’s how my mother would have described it. Stifling humidity surrounded me and it wasn’t pleasant company. I’d told stories on stage at the state fair and had a break before yapping again, so I took a stroll on the fairgrounds. The sounds of the fair rushed over, by and through me. I enjoyed watching people eat things I’d never eat unless I was … [Read more...]
Like men’s body spray, the fetid smell lingered
Cheap gas! I hit the brakes and swerved off the road because a gas station, long out of business, left a sign proclaiming its ancient gas prices. There should be a law against leaving those signs standing. I’m sure the police had grown weary of responding to rear-end collisions in that spot. I parked and got out of my car, hoping to use the stop to stretch my legs. The odor … [Read more...]
The road worked ahead and gave me some class
I was certain it was a trap to lure me out of hiding and bring me to justice for not turning in my slide rule. I struck out into the unknown. There had been bygone days when gas was cheap and I’d stay on a road just to see where it went. With so much road work ahead of me, I’m never sure where any road will take me. A GPS gives directions with a caveat on what could go wrong. … [Read more...]
The grackle mob put out a contract on my door
I was skipping across the yard. It was more stumbling than skipping. The day traveled at warp speed as I filled a trailer with purposeless lumber. I was laser-focused on slaving away while trying not to be eaten by stable flies. It’s difficult to hit a small fly with a two-by-four. I hate to be interrupted when I’m working unless it’s by a bird, company, a ballgame, food, a … [Read more...]
Investing my time in an NFT (Non-fungible tanager)
A Canada goose sounded like a car horn in need of tinkering. It was an avian tickle as I knuckled the sleep from my eyes. I was teaching writing classes and took some college kids on a nature walk at daybreak in a lovely park, which was one of my happy places. We met in a parking lot. I was easy to find. I’m a miler. You could tell a mile away that I was a birder. Binoculars, … [Read more...]
Each day is a gift you can’t return
I didn’t have to herd cats. My shirt had as many buttons as buttonholes and there were more hills than pills in my life. Those three things are wins in my book. Life is made up of small victories. Here are more. My pillow hadn’t had a restless night and my socks matched. No one had unleashed the flying monkeys. I dropped something on the kitchen floor and it didn’t … [Read more...]
You conquered the grind, now clang the grad gong
Angry hailstones the size of bowling balls had battered my poor car. That was not on my to-do list. OK, the hailstones weren’t quite that large, but that’s what I told my insurance company. That’s not true, either. I haven’t called them. I did call my health insurance company because they denied a $3,000 bill from the clinic because I’d had the right test done at the wrong … [Read more...]
I can’t deal with cards even with an automatic shuffler
Hasenpfeffer, euchre, hucklybuck, sheepshead and pepper. Are they personal injury attorneys? Nope. Card games. Hasenpfeffer (pfeffer) is also a rabbit stew. Hucklybuck is sometimes called hucklebuck. Euchre, shouldn’t be mistaken for Bob Uecker, the Milwaukee Brewers broadcaster who played the announcer Harry Doyle in the movie “Major League” and said things like, “Heywood … [Read more...]
