We all know things. Some of us suspect more than we know. The latter group consists mainly of brothers-in-law. During my school years – grade school, junior high and high school – I spent a lot of time seated in a school bus. The ride to school took about three minutes. The ride home from school took three hours on a good day. On those trips home, the bus pulled up at the … [Read more...]

Breakfast isn’t skipped; it’s merely delayed. Nicolas Chamfort said, “Swallow a toad in the morning if you want to encounter nothing more disgusting the rest of the day.” Although it wasn’t Mark Twain, Abe Lincoln or Yogi Berra who said that, unless you’re a snake, a raccoon or a heron, it’s difficult to challenge the efficacy of Chamfort’s words. But you won’t find toad … [Read more...]

I wasn’t convulsed with spasms of delight. I’d been bitten by something that wasn’t there. I wondered if something that didn’t exist could be arrested for aggravated assault. They are minute pirate bugs, more often called no-see-ums and many other words I can’t repeat here. Other insects can be called no-see-ums, correctly or incorrectly. I’ve heard harassed people … [Read more...]

Everything wasn’t copacetic. “It’s probably nothing” no longer applied to me. I’d moved past that point. I couldn’t leave well enough alone when I’m not well enough. How did this happen? It’s like a birthday that makes me an entire year older in just one day. That’s unfair. Life can be a bearcat that takes us to places we’d never hoped to go. When that happens, I see a … [Read more...]

“Where did you get your driver’s license - in a box of Cracker Jack?” When I first got my driver’s license, I noticed that not all the other drivers were the perfect driver I was. When I saw a case of numbskullery behind a steering wheel, here’s what I’d say: “Where did you get your driver’s license - in a box of Cracker Jack?” One of my prized possessions in my junk … [Read more...]

My honey-do list had become a year longer. It was our anniversary, so we ate inside the fast-food restaurant. My wife deserved the royal treatment. I’ve seen people do some insanely courageous things. My wife has done them throughout our married life. She’s an excellent cook. I wasn’t born to cook. I was born to express my gratitude to those who cook for me. She even … [Read more...]

We’d gotten enough rain to settle the dust and make it possible for me to chew mosquitoes when I walked outside. I remembered going to the local drugstore with my mother on similar rainy days. While she was taking care of her business there, I headed to the free library that the store generously provided. It was called a magazine rack, and there were umpteen periodicals to … [Read more...]

“I’m bored.” Sometimes my lips flapped for no reason, but that’s what I said. I have vivid memories of saying that because it was the last time I ever said, “I’m bored.” I immediately regretted saying it because my father heard it. He had used both ears. He’d grown up in a family with many ears, and the members of that fine family leaned in and listened hard to hear when … [Read more...]

Hubert wasn’t a bachelor farmer. Hubert was a bachelor physical education teacher. He’d never married. He was too busy watching “Wheel of Fortune,” which always made him feel smarter than the contestants. He surprised everyone when, at age 59, he married a woman nearly 20 years his junior. A year into the marriage, Hubert bought an old motorhome held together by … [Read more...]

We have too much or not enough, depending upon our viewpoint and our situation. That applies to most things. A friend uses the email closing, “I wish you enough.” That’s a good wish, but we’d still want more or less. A good reader wrote me about his ravenous rabbits. Their numbers had exploded in his neighborhood, and he was thinking of hiring a fox or two. There … [Read more...]