The trees gossiped in the wind. “It’s a nice day, except for the wind,” says everybody capable of putting eight words together. I’ve been picking up sticks in the yard. Great crop this year. I’ve picked rocks, too. It’s a spring habit. What do you call a boomerang that won’t come back? A stick. The wind finds branches or limbs with weaknesses, rips them free and deposits … [Read more...]
Good tires and air — gifts that keep on giving
Who hasn’t had a flat tire? Other than those people who don’t drive a car, truck, bicycle, lawn mower, tractor, motorhome, airplane, tire swing or submarine. I threw in the submarine to see if you were paying attention. I was in an airplane that blew a tire when landing at the Denver airport. On the subject of airplanes, a different flight had been delayed, canceled, took … [Read more...]
The case of the purloined 3/8-inch combination wrench
I’ve never wrestled with a grizzly bear with an impacted tooth or tangled with a mountain lion that had just lost his job in the biotech industry, but I have been the victim of a fly-by pooping by a gang of ruthless gulls and had a run-in with a Canada goose. I called the honker a “wawa,” which is a Native American name for a Canada goose. The gander took exception to that and … [Read more...]
It wasn’t a morel mushroom cloud
That’s no way for the weather to make friends. A tornado hit my hometown on December 15. When I was a kid, we joked about a terrible explosion in town. The wind blew up the street. The tornado was no joke. It was frightening. I remember another frightening day in that fair city. Life was like it is today — considered by some to be the worst time ever. I was a young boy with … [Read more...]
Do Camel cigarettes have one hump or two?
“What will it be?” “It will be OK,” I assured the server. It turned out she wasn’t inquiring about my nasty hangnail. She wanted me to order. I thought about saying, “I want a rubber band sandwich and make it snappy,” but she had a stern look, which indicated I should forgo any further attempts at jocularity. I’d just talked to a fellow who was about to turn 93. People had … [Read more...]
Haute cuisine on a horse opera
I gave a collection of Gunsmoke TV show DVDs to a friend going through a rough patch. A rough patch is how I describe things I don’t want to describe. It’s the opposite of a bonanza, so it doesn’t have any of the Cartwright family in it. I’m not sure how I came to possess those Gunsmoke videos. Probably at a friends of the public library book sale. Gunsmoke was a weekly … [Read more...]
March is not the armpit of the year
I accomplished a great deal in the last 12 months. I got a year older. Another year of membership in the human race and I did it without a bye week or running a single secondary route. I took an unofficial survey and everyone I asked claimed to have been born in one of 12 months. Babies were born on Tuesday, February 22, 2022. That’s 2/22/22. I wonder if any were named … [Read more...]
Be nice to everyone — you never know who’ll serve on your jury
She had been the sickly one of a large herd. My Aunt Edith had been delicate, but she came out of that swamp onto higher ground. She died at the age of 105 years, 8 months, 13 days, a few hours and a smidgen of minutes. Edith loved to garden, crochet, read newspapers and work crossword puzzles. She taught me how to crochet crossword puzzles. No, wait, that wasn’t her. I … [Read more...]
First you smell skunks, then you chew mosquitoes
A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away... That line is from Star Wars, which never goes away. Some jaded souls say that’s true of winter, too. Winter can be a hard hill to get over, but the seasons creep up on us like cheap underwear. Spring drives in on snow tires. The seasons don’t unfold along a line. They unfold like a crumpled road map. I believe March 1 is the first … [Read more...]
Do not operate heavy machinery while reading this
I hurt my ankle while I was sleeping. I’d fallen asleep while reading a book titled, How to Get by on Less Sleep and dreamed about finding a cure for hiccups. Don’t hold your breath — I didn’t find one. I was staying in a hotel room all by my lonesome. The hotel, failing to check my references, had allowed me on the bed. As I stumbled out of that bed, intending to yell, “I … [Read more...]