I remember my uncle smoking cheap cigars. When flush with cash, he’d move up to affordable White Owl cigars. I knew when that happened because I could smell the burning feathers. He chewed on the end of a cigar like Clint Eastwood in a spaghetti western until the stogie became eligible for carbon dating. I was at an airport when a guy fainted onto the baggage carousel. He … [Read more...]

I’ve oozed from the primordial soup. I’m threatening to become an owner-operator of a TV. Please hold your applause until the end. A TV? Welcome me to the 21st Century. What next? An indoor outhouse? Wearing shoes in the summer? My ancestors went barefooted all year, wrapping barbed wire around their tootsies when the conditions were icy. The Batt Cave hasn’t had a … [Read more...]

Joe was dying. But he got over it. The report of his imminent demise had been greatly exaggerated. He got better and lived a good number of years before he began dying again. This time, Joe died. After the funeral, Joe’s friends and family gathered at St. Aidan Cemetery, a lovely rural resting place near a ghost town. Wonderful words were spoken there. Then Joe’s … [Read more...]

Do you gambol? I thought that was an odd question coming from the fellow moving through the casino’s buffet line ahead of me. “I do skip or leap about in play occasionally and I’m not opposed to a bit of cavorting or frolicking,” I replied, wondering where the conversation was headed. He gave me a look as if I were a visitor from another galaxy. “Oh, you meant … [Read more...]

A cow chip is no chocolate chip. I don’t see many cow chip cookies where I hang out. Once upon a time in a land far, far away, I was floating happily on the raft of life when I was voluntold to take part in a cow chip throwing contest—a crazy sport that has gone platinum. Voluntold is when someone volunteers you to do something. In a weak moment, I agreed to do it. I … [Read more...]

“You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometime you’ll find. You get what you need.” Those words were written by the noted philosophers Mick Jagger and Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones. One year, I wanted a Rolling Stones record album. I liked the Stones. Still do. I believed in the triumph of hope over experience, but no one must have heard my constant … [Read more...]

My name is Batt. I’m a private investigator. I get $5 a day minus expenses. I’ve been meaning to write a business plan. I sat in my smoke-filled office located in my obscure corner of the world. I don’t smoke, but some things shouldn’t be reheated in a microwave. The leisure suit I wore matched any gravy stain. I’d learned plenty from the patter of tough talkers … [Read more...]

I’m trapped between two oceans. I often travel by automobile and when I do, I’m partial to roads. There is public transportation here, but only so many people can ride on one horse. If all the roads went away, I’d just mill around waiting for them to come back. The roads are all uphill, except those that are downhill. Before I was a licensed driver, I’d suggest my father … [Read more...]

It might have been the best day in the history of the world. That hadn’t been confirmed by a meteorologist, an economist or a loudmouthed crackpot, but it was a dandy. I squatted like a baseball catcher while making those weird old-man sounds to marvel at the charm of the dead nettle growing in my fall yard. Each green leaf had a prominent silver stripe down the center. I … [Read more...]