I made myself a mug of steaming hot tea because I’m a wizard in the culinary arts. I set the mug on my desk and promptly forgot about it until I took a sip and discovered the tea had cooled. Move over Aristotle. That happened because I’m a wizard at becoming distracted. The unexpected lukewarm tea caused me to fall prey to the elevens — that pair of wrinkles that form on my … [Read more...]

I was in the back of beyond. Even though I was somewhere between the tiny towns of Two Bits and North Burlap, I knew I’d find a cemetery or graveyard. Those places that claim they aren’t nowhere, yet can see nowhere from there without using binoculars, often have burial grounds. A graveyard is typically a smaller burial ground associated with a church, while a cemetery is … [Read more...]

I was a first grader when I was given a free road map of the state of Minnesota by the owner of a gas station. He said it was around my age, so he wouldn’t charge me anything for it, even though most of the places were spelled correctly. He added I’d need it now that I’d gone to school in a feeble attempt at becoming a learned man. The map was almost as enlightening as the time … [Read more...]

What is the moon up to now? I’m not sure. Folks used to pay more attention to full moons as a way to track the seasons. January’s full moon is called the Wolf Moon because of the howling of the wolves. It’s also called Cold Moon, Severe Moon and Canada Goose Moon. Here are the names of the full moons for the rest of the month. February: Snow Moon – also Bald Eagle, … [Read more...]

It’s the heated car seat season. That’s another reason there is no need to spend a winter in the south. Unless it’s Algona, Iowa. That’s my idea of the tropics. “How are you doing?” was how I greeted an audience member after I’d given a long-winded talk. I asked that in the hopes of making a connection, but knowing it’s not always the best question because people … [Read more...]

We all know things. Some of us suspect more than we know. The latter group consists mainly of brothers-in-law. During my school years – grade school, junior high and high school – I spent a lot of time seated in a school bus. The ride to school took about three minutes. The ride home from school took three hours on a good day. On those trips home, the bus pulled up at the … [Read more...]

Breakfast isn’t skipped; it’s merely delayed. Nicolas Chamfort said, “Swallow a toad in the morning if you want to encounter nothing more disgusting the rest of the day.” Although it wasn’t Mark Twain, Abe Lincoln or Yogi Berra who said that, unless you’re a snake, a raccoon or a heron, it’s difficult to challenge the efficacy of Chamfort’s words. But you won’t find toad … [Read more...]

I wasn’t convulsed with spasms of delight. I’d been bitten by something that wasn’t there. I wondered if something that didn’t exist could be arrested for aggravated assault. They are minute pirate bugs, more often called no-see-ums and many other words I can’t repeat here. Other insects can be called no-see-ums, correctly or incorrectly. I’ve heard harassed people … [Read more...]

Everything wasn’t copacetic. “It’s probably nothing” no longer applied to me. I’d moved past that point. I couldn’t leave well enough alone when I’m not well enough. How did this happen? It’s like a birthday that makes me an entire year older in just one day. That’s unfair. Life can be a bearcat that takes us to places we’d never hoped to go. When that happens, I see a … [Read more...]

“Where did you get your driver’s license - in a box of Cracker Jack?” When I first got my driver’s license, I noticed that not all the other drivers were the perfect driver I was. When I saw a case of numbskullery behind a steering wheel, here’s what I’d say: “Where did you get your driver’s license - in a box of Cracker Jack?” One of my prized possessions in my junk … [Read more...]