They were checking to see if I were an alien life form. I appreciated their efforts because I’d always wondered if I might be one. I was placed on my back and slid headfirst into a magnetic tube. It looked as if it’d be possible to get a tan while I was in there. I’d never been in a luge, but I felt as if I was in a sled on which one races in a supine position. By … [Read more...]

I’d walked by one of those little free libraries on my way to the cafe. It shushed me. We needed one of those libraries when The Table of Infinite Knowledge gathered at the Eat Around It Cafe. It’s a playground during recess. It’s a place where the world sometimes makes sense. That’s all we ask. It was right smart weather we were having. “Right smart” means … [Read more...]

We are spoiled. I once sat around a dimming campfire, holding a flashlight under my chin and telling my grandchildren that I’d once left home without my phone. That scary story provided nightmares for years. I watched a dairy cow. She wasn’t holding a flashlight under her chin and telling frightening stories to calves about eating hay with a thistle in it. She was … [Read more...]

The dog wouldn’t fetch. So, I pulled the Sunday newspaper from our rural mailbox. I lugged it to my father, who read the comics to me. The funny pages were a wonderland of color and wit. My father added voices that brought “Dennis the Menace,” “Marmaduke,” “Peanuts,” “Beetle Bailey,” “Mark Trail” and “Dick Tracy” to life. I enjoyed “Pogo” and “Li’l Abner,” but I didn’t … [Read more...]

“There were no flies on Frank that morning.” A popular nonsensical poem titled “No Flies on Frank” starts that way in John Lennon’s book, “In His Own Write.” Frank didn’t have a good day, even without flies. I heard a store clerk, ringing up a purchase, ask a customer, “How’s it going?” “I’m having a little problem with my ears.” “Good to hear,” said the clerk. The clerk, … [Read more...]

Finders, keepers. Losers, weepers. I don’t believe that idiom. I’ve found lost wallets, purses, a laptop computer, a tablet, cellphones, a camera, a spotting scope, car keys, dogs, used bubble gum and a class ring. I turned them all over to the proper authorities and trust they were reunited with their owners. I was telling stories in Illinois when I found a thick wallet … [Read more...]

When one door closes, another door opens. I had a Chevy pickup like that. Other than that minor failing, it was a trusty steed. Of course, it went nowhere without jumper cables, and the pickup was equipped with an engine block heater to fool the motor into thinking it was parked in Miami on a below-zero day here. By that time in my life, I’d owned two kinds of automobiles: … [Read more...]

January is the month of Mondays when puffer jackets proliferate. This is the year I’m going to change. I change every year, but this time, it’ll be for the better. That’s why I was in the binder organization aisle of an office supply store. I’d planned on picking up a few binders and becoming more organized than Marie Kondo was in her prime. Kondo was an expert in the … [Read more...]

After I was here, I was there. I’ve been to St. Joseph, Mo., a few times. Each time, I’ve stopped at the Jesse James Home. The notorious outlaw Jesse James was shot and killed in the house on April 3, 1882, by Bob Ford, a member of the James gang, who wished to collect a $10,000 reward, of which he received little. Jesse died at the age of 34 after a career as an outlaw, bank … [Read more...]

What child doesn’t love a tube of lip balm for Christmas? That’s because no child wants to miss a single minute of school because of chapped lips. Lip balm is better than bunny slippers. I received a pair as a gift one year and learned that they’re fiercely territorial. Some kids, after weeks of dedicated research, discover that if they really want something, they should … [Read more...]

The wind blew another partridge out of a pear tree. Winter has trouble doing the right thing. It’s not the snow that gets you when you live in a snow globe. It’s the shaking like a chilly Chihuahua that happens before the snow falls. My wife and I gathered around the light bulb for warmth and read about global warming on a night as cold as a cast iron commode with wind gusts … [Read more...]

You have enough things to worry about. You should stop worrying about achy-breaky earworms, fake funeral processions, treehouse fires and pop machine avalanches. “You never know,” my elders often said to me. Yours probably said the same thing. “It’s always something” was frequently added as a non-explanatory explanation. I’d just spent a week in an aging hotel meant … [Read more...]

The city’s water tower held gravy. It happens every Thanksgiving. I was clumping along like sneakers in a dryer, lugging the fixings and the fixed from the car to the kitchen.  There was no tofurkey and fravy, but I’d just had my oil changed, so there might have been pumpkin spice in my motor oil. Once again, I was thankful that glitter isn’t an ingredient in … [Read more...]

My great-grandfather bellowed, “Buckle up.”  At least he might have said it had he been the kind of guy who bellowed, “Buckle up.”  He might have said it or not right before bringing his family from Sweden to this country to escape the tyranny of potato pancakes. Grandma left her Swedish village when she was 14 years old. She traveled with her family and a phrase book … [Read more...]

There are legions of famous Minnesotans, and that includes you. There are too many esteemed Gopher Staters to count, but I’ll mention a few: Bob Dylan, Judy Garland, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Sinclair Lewis, Charles Schulz (the creator of “Peanuts”), James Arness (played Matt Dillon in “Gunsmoke”), Garrison Keillor, Prince, Jesse Ventura, Walter Mondale, Hubert H. Humphrey and … [Read more...]