It was March 4th.
I followed the instructions and marched forth.
I do what my calendar tells me to do.
I dug to the back of the Greek yogurt shelf because I avoid the front items on grocery shelves.
Someone stopped to greet me. My brain had logged out due to inactivity. The friendly man’s name had slipped my mind. I’ve reached the age where I’m incorrectly mistaken for an adult, but I couldn’t ask his name. Instead, I cleverly asked him what his favorite yogurt was.
What is the hardest thing for you to say? 1. I love you. 2. I was wrong. 3. I’m sorry. 4. I need help. 5. Thank you. 6. Worcestershire sauce. 7. Who are you?
Miss Piggy and Orson Welles are my diet influencers. Miss Piggy said, “Never eat more than you can lift.” And Welles said, “Stop having intimate dinners for four unless there are three other people.”
As generally happens, the conversation moved from yogurt to basketball. Some young people I know play basketball, so I fired up the iPad to watch them. The action was brought to me by commercials. More than enough commercials. I learned from them that the secret to good health comes down to two things: prescription drugs and insurance companies. Each drug promoted a couple of things it might be good for and then offered a rapid-fire chant of possible scary side effects like the price and becoming a member of Congress. The insurance, after you shell out a considerable premium, covers the cost of the drugs after you pay the deductible, copay, coinsurance, out-of-network costs and tips. I realize that when I need any other kind of insurance, I should consult with my nearest emu.
My father’s health plan was to do hard manual labor all day after eating Grape-Nuts for breakfast. Euell Gibbons starred in a series of Grape-Nuts TV commercials, asking questions like, “Did you ever eat a pine tree? Many parts are edible.” I thought a pine tree was more edible than that cereal, but Dad found the taste of Grape-Nuts to be top-shelf. Why is it called Grape-Nuts when it’s made from wheat and barley? One story claims the cereal got its name from the resemblance of the nuggets to grape seeds, or grape “nuts.”
The Rolling Stones sang, “I can’t get no satisfaction.” Before you reach the point where when you sit down in a beanbag chair, you’re unable to wiggle out of it, and end up spending the weekend there, I can offer a few things that might help. Here are 10 pounds of healthy tips stuffed into a five-pound bag.
Enter a meat locker and inhale as much as you want. It’s calorie-free and doesn’t require a wallet to be opened.
Walk into the store to get your donuts instead of using the drive-thru.
Always take the stairs once you’re sure the elevator wouldn’t be fixed soon.
Try resistance training by refusing to go to the gym.
Don’t eat while you’re sleeping.
Do more stretching exercises. Buy the products only on the highest shelves.
Squeezing an onion with your arthritic fingers will make your fingers smell like onions.
Check any excess weight at the airline ticket counter.
Be all you can be, not all you can eat. Turn your head to the right, then to the left. Repeat that exercise every time you’re offered a second helping.
Tossing and turning at night is considered as exercise by the cheapest fitness tracker.
Never park close to a fitness center door.
Don’t put off anything except procrastinating.
It’s easy to replace a bad habit with a worse one.
If you need a reason to get out of bed in the morning, drink a gallon of water before going to bed.
On a serious note, walk when you’re able instead of worrying. Worry is like a rocking chair, it gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.
On a second serious note, write down three things that made you laugh or smile each day.
As I left a recent gathering, a friend said, “Well, if I don’t see you again, this will be the last time I see you.”
Stay healthy. You keep the Earth spinning.
Photo by Al Batt
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