He Uses Soggy Tea Leaves To Polish His Crystal Ball

The doorbell rang.

I opened the door, and a robed visitor accompanied by sitar music walked in out of the dimming twilight. The renowned mystic from the Far East part of the township, the fabled soothsayer, the seventh son of the seventh son of the seventh son, the oracle from just down the road, Swami Davis Jr., took a break from selling fortune cookies to stop by with his predictions for 2026.

A spirit of divination indwells the Swami, a muse of unearthly clairvoyance who makes Nostradamus seem like a flawed speculator. Swami is a gifted savant who knows little but suspects a lot and reveals all to those who offer tribute. As a fearless, feckless and foolish seer, he is without peer even though unreasonable zoning laws discouraging the ancient Roman practice of haruspicy (divining the future by examining the entrails of recently slaughtered beasts) hamper him. In an uncertain world, the Swami brings more uncertainty. Many have called him a bum seer and a purveyor of impaired prognostications, but his mother has labeled him “uncannily accurate.” Swami Davis Jr. is a reader of palms and tea leaves as he takes an orange pekoe at the future while polishing his cloudy crystal ball, which doubles as a bowling ball.

“Swami Davis Jr., who illuminates the dark corners of our culture and whose knowledge is unsurpassed, oh wise Swami, thou vessel of infinite wisdom, who is omniscient, omnipotent and omnipresent, tell me, your humble implorer, what the future holds,” I entreated, knowing my future lies ahead. I’m atwitter with anticipation.

Swami is a cowboy who rounds up predictions. He sees into the future by turning his car’s rearview mirror backward, producing a Magic 8 Ball in the corner pocket. Even though he believes you can’t handle the sooth, here are his bold, yet intentionally vague prediction headlines for 2026.

After years of unregulated trapping, lint is declared endangered.

The Dakotas split into Northeast Dakota, Northwest Dakota, North Central Dakota, Southeast Dakota, Southwest Dakota and South Central Dakota.

Class sizes shrink as AI does all the learning.

Rising oceans cover Keokuk, Iowa, and ignore all other land.

The Department of Governmental Efficiency eliminates all government except the Department of Governmental Efficiency.

The top 10 numbers will once again be 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9 and 10.

NFL officials order every Super Bowl to go into overtime to make room for all the commercials.

The majority of politicians claim their lies are being deliberately distorted by the media.

Medical professionals discover that getting an extra hour of sleep will be good for our health. That’s easily accomplished, as sleeping an additional 9.863 seconds a day will get you an extra hour of sleep each year.

Tariffs will come with air miles.

The best time to start procrastinating will be tomorrow.

In a surprise, it will be revealed that the federal government has been completely shut down since 2017.

Airports will charge for sitting in the boarding area.

Exhaustive research will involve asking AI a question.

MCGA (Make Canada Great Again) wants to make the United States either its 11th province or its fourth territory.

An umlaut will require an umlaut.

A basketball referee will call it both ways. Fans at that game complain loudly, “Don’t call it both ways!”

In extraordinarily good news, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious will be the word of the year because it’s about time.

Easy-open packages will continue to be difficult to open.

You will be outvoted by idiots.

Your favorite oatmeal, which is your favorite because you know what shelf to find it on in the grocery store—where it’s always been—will be moved to another aisle and placed next to the cat litter.

In “The New Wizard of Oz,” Dorothy spends all her time taking selfies.

Joe Camel continues to wear a nicotine patch.

There will be weather every day, twice a day on weekends.

What happens will have happened. Prepare accordingly.

The year 2027 will be here before you are done with 2026.

Please remember that predictions are difficult to make, especially about the future. Your future will be so bright you’ll squint.

What went around will come around. Tomorrow will be another day—probably last Tuesday.

Good times will roll.