Photo by Al Batt
When meteorologists talk too often of freezing temperatures, I break out the book Winter for Dummies.
This book, which exists only in my mind, covers scary things from the good old days that were done to prepare for the bad old winters.
Many of them involved cars, affirming the importance of automobiles in our lives.
Jumper cables (booster cables) were put in a trunk as part of a car’s winter emergency kit, which might include a shovel, a tow chain, a blanket, extra clothing and gloves, a first-aid kit and airline tickets to Arizona.
The jumper cables were there to help the car mend its slothful ways and start.
Starting is how a car tells us that it loves us.
The winter emergency kit is still a fine idea. I fear most of it has been replaced by a cellphone today — or a rare jumper pack.
When I was but a wee lad, I heard tales from the time before modern multi-grade synthetic motor oils and the electric engine block heaters that warm a vehicle’s engine block, coolant or oil to make cold-weather cranking easier and reduce component wear. The stories I heard were of when extreme low winter temperatures turned early automotive fluids into thick, waxy jelly, locking up engines completely. Single-grade motor oils had poor temperature tolerances. They could freeze solid, leaving neither the battery nor hand cranking able to turn the engine over. Heating the oil pan thinned the oil so it could flow freely. Some started a fire under the car to do that. It was a hazardous process.
I was fortunate to grow up with improved oil and jumper cables used to jump-start a vehicle with a dead battery by connecting it to a working battery from another vehicle. The more black on a woolly bear caterpillar, the more often jumper cables would need to be employed.
A friend took the battery out of his car and put it in his bedroom when he wasn’t using it. I tried to write a country song about that.
The story goes that a man won money playing poker and decided to visit a posh restaurant. He walked in and the headwaiter stopped him by saying, “We have a dress policy here. Ties are mandatory for men. I cannot let you in.”
The man returned to his vehicle to see if his winter emergency kit included a tie. It did not, but it had a set of jumper cables. He tied the jumper cables around his neck.
Back into the eatery he went. The headwaiter looked him over, and said, “You can come in, but don’t start anything.”
If there isn’t a coffee with excessive caffeine called “Jumper Cables’ Coffee,” there should be. “Get you started in the morning” would be its slogan.
I’ve never had a heated garage, but I enjoy a car’s heater. A former Minnesotan bought a car in San Diego. He drove it to Minnesota in the winter where he picked up a couple of buddies, me included, and took us for a drive. He wore gloves, a stocking cap, boots, and a parka, while we were good Minnesotans not properly dressed for winter. We were dressed to sit in a toasty warm car. We figured he had layered up because he had become a wimpy Californian, but he knew something we didn’t know. His car had no heater. He had not warned us. His car was winter on wheels. The only thing missing was a windchill factor. In 1968, heaters became mandatory standard equipment because Federal Motor Vehicle Safety Standards required a functional windshield defroster system, which relied on a car’s heater. Our friend’s car was too old. A rider in the backseat fired up an “It’s a Boy!” cigar in the hopes it might provide some warmth. It didn’t.
Did we complain?
We were not stoic. We complained constantly. That’s what friends are for.
We knew we were doing well if we had the time to complain.
The driver drowned out the sounds of our chattering teeth by turning up the volume on the radio.
The ice-cold car had a splendid radio.
We were surprised its music hadn’t frozen solid.
But if it had, he had jumper cables in the trunk.
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