There are legions of famous Minnesotans, and that includes you. There are too many esteemed Gopher Staters to count, but I’ll mention a few: Bob Dylan, Judy Garland, F. Scott Fitzgerald, Sinclair Lewis, Charles Schulz (the creator of “Peanuts”), James Arness (played Matt Dillon in “Gunsmoke”), Garrison Keillor, Prince, Jesse Ventura, Walter Mondale, Hubert H. Humphrey and … [Read more...]
Ripening in an Oklahoma Fast-Food Drive-thru
“Oklahoma, where the wind comes sweeping down the plain, and the waving wheat can sure smell sweet, when the wind comes right behind the rain. Oklahoma, every night my honey lamb and I sit alone and talk and watch a hawk making lazy circles in the sky.” I sang that aloud in the key of off on my drive to Oklahoma for a speaking gig. I sang because I was all alone in the … [Read more...]
Prehistoric Gummy Bears Chewed Gum While Hibernating
A kid offered me some Big League Chew bubble gum. If you’ve ever been a kid, you’ve likely chewed bubble gum. I thanked him and then declined his kind offer. I don’t chew gum. It makes my jaws tired. I had a neighbor who got punched in the jaw during an altercation. When John Wayne was socked in a movie, he’d rub his jaw and smile. Real life differs from reel … [Read more...]
I Remember Three Things
I remember a professor (I don’t remember his name) telling my class (I don’t remember what class it was), “I have three things I want you to remember today.” I don’t remember what the three things were, but I remember there were three of them. So, that’s been a big help, and I also recall learning (I don’t remember at what school) that a personal mission statement has three … [Read more...]
It Rained Tiny Halloween Pumpkins That Bit Me
There was something in the air. I was trying to weave my day into a seamless garment when a strange wind blew. Something was bugging me. I’m sure it was my imagination, but I could hear the theme from “Jaws.” Was it climate change? Some people call them ladybugs, but ladybugs are cute. These were flotsam floating on a sea of aggravation. It was October 8, a … [Read more...]
Fall is the Time to Schedule a Pumpkin Spice Colonoscopy
I saw a grizzly bear caterpillar. It’s going to be a brutal winter. Still, I was more than happy to share a lovely fall day with the crawler. Folklore says a narrow orange band on a woolly bear caterpillar means a harsh winter and a wide orange band means a mild winter. The truth is that the wider the orange band, the older the woolly bear (also called woolly worm or … [Read more...]
My Buttonholes Were Due for a Major Upgrade
We could all use an upgrade. I got a new cellphone. I was due for an upgrade. My old phone was old, something to be expected from an old phone. The new one was the same brand as my old electronic leash, so the learning curve was minimal. There was a long line of starlings perched on a utility wire as I drove to town. Each bird had positioned itself just far enough from … [Read more...]
Hoping for No Buick Bisons or Lincoln Lemmings on 494
I wasn’t shuffling off to Buffalo. Nor was I off to dance the bison-nova. My wife and I went to Minneopa State Park to see the bison. The bison are usually called buffalo. Minneopa is outside Mankato, Minn. It’s Mankato, no matter how you pronounce it. Minneopa has a herd of 33 bison. That iconic song “Home on the Range” is incorrect. Buffalo never roamed the range, … [Read more...]
Outgrabe, Irish Wristwatch, Headbutting While Texting and Pilfering Gulls
I tried to say, “Irish wristwatch” three times quickly. I failed. I wanted to be pulled home in a Radio Flyer little red wagon. I called Uber. They wouldn’t do it. It had been a hectic day. On my way home, I needed to stop at a grocery store because I had a list. The store was busy. I grabbed a cart. A shopping cart is a fitness coach – a physical fitness coach, not a … [Read more...]
It’s Better to Have a Landline Than a Land Mine
I swallowed a mosquito. I’m an adventurous eater. Swallowing a mosquito often happens to a guy whose mouth is always open. I stumbled into a drugstore. A friend there told me he’d overheard a woman looking at the makeup shelves mutter, “What’s the point? I’ll still recognize me.” I changed lanes and headed to what wasn’t a dark aisle, one where a mother would warn … [Read more...]

