I took a sales course early in my life. One thing stressed in the course was that how a man dressed could be telling of his character. The world has become much more casual in dress since then. I gave a eulogy recently. I have given many, each one has been a great honor and a humbling experience. As the inscription on the sundial reads, “I wait for no one.” When I was a … [Read more...]

He had a voice like a truck rolling north on I-35. “I’ll tell you what winter isn’t.” He paused to let the anticipation build. The clock in my brain ticked, “One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi...” I waited because I wanted to hear. People are fond of telling us what  winter is, but seldom tell us what it isn’t. “It’s no picnic,” he said solemnly. I … [Read more...]

I knew him a little, but not a lot. “How are you doing?” I asked.He responded by telling me he was all bound up. I didn’t think it had anything to do with being snowbound and I was right. He went into excruciating detail. Some people shouldn’t be asked how they are doing. My family didn’t tell fishing stories, brag about golf scores or go on about the cabin. We fished some, … [Read more...]

New Year’s Resolutions are something we hope other people make. There’s another year in the past. A riotous New Year’s Eve filled with hot and iced tea caused me to fall asleep before midnight. As my wife woke me for a kiss, I heard a crunching sound. That’s seldom a good thing. My wife mumbled she’d stepped on a cat toy. The cat toy turned out to be my eyeglasses that the new … [Read more...]

Have you ever had one of those days when everything went right? I haven’t either. A friend claims winter is a joke and the punchline is too long. Back when solitaire was played with actual cards, I was a newly minted teenager who was sure we wouldn’t have school because of a storm. I didn’t mind blizzards much in those olden days because they led to snow days. I like … [Read more...]

The doorbell rang. I opened the door and a robed visitor accompanied by sitar music, walked in out of the dimming twilight. The renowned mystic from the Far East part of the township, the fabled soothsayer, the seventh son of the seventh son of the seventh son, the oracle from just down the road; Swami Davis Jr. stopped by with his predictions for 2023. He knows little but … [Read more...]

Lip lilac, visage violet or mug holly. My mother hung mistletoe in the doorways. I became a little boy avoiding females frequenting our domicile. Now, I try to avoid holiday songs that can make the world wince. Listening to Christmas music can be dangerous, don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise. Music filled the air of the festive and shiny store. Playing music in … [Read more...]

Carl became a school bus driver because he hated kids. We all knew that. He was good at his job, a safe driver who put many roads and kids behind him, but he was never happy to see us. No kid had ever seen him smile. I could tie my shoes and count by twos, so I sat in the 3rd-grade row of bus seats. We sorted ourselves. Younger kids in front, the older kids in the back. The … [Read more...]

I remember my uncle smoking cheap cigars. When flush with cash, he’d move up to affordable White Owl cigars. I knew when that happened because I could smell the burning feathers. He chewed on the end of a cigar like Clint Eastwood in a spaghetti western until the stogie became eligible for carbon dating. I was at an airport when a guy fainted onto the baggage carousel. He … [Read more...]

I’ve oozed from the primordial soup. I’m threatening to become an owner-operator of a TV. Please hold your applause until the end. A TV? Welcome me to the 21st Century. What next? An indoor outhouse? Wearing shoes in the summer? My ancestors went barefooted all year, wrapping barbed wire around their tootsies when the conditions were icy. The Batt Cave hasn’t had a … [Read more...]

Joe was dying. But he got over it. The report of his imminent demise had been greatly exaggerated. He got better and lived a good number of years before he began dying again. This time, Joe died. After the funeral, Joe’s friends and family gathered at St. Aidan Cemetery, a lovely rural resting place near a ghost town. Wonderful words were spoken there. Then Joe’s … [Read more...]

Do you gambol? I thought that was an odd question coming from the fellow moving through the casino’s buffet line ahead of me. “I do skip or leap about in play occasionally and I’m not opposed to a bit of cavorting or frolicking,” I replied, wondering where the conversation was headed. He gave me a look as if I were a visitor from another galaxy. “Oh, you meant … [Read more...]

A cow chip is no chocolate chip. I don’t see many cow chip cookies where I hang out. Once upon a time in a land far, far away, I was floating happily on the raft of life when I was voluntold to take part in a cow chip throwing contest—a crazy sport that has gone platinum. Voluntold is when someone volunteers you to do something. In a weak moment, I agreed to do it. I … [Read more...]

“You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometime you’ll find. You get what you need.” Those words were written by the noted philosophers Mick Jagger and Keith Richards of the Rolling Stones. One year, I wanted a Rolling Stones record album. I liked the Stones. Still do. I believed in the triumph of hope over experience, but no one must have heard my constant … [Read more...]