I built a bridge once. I’ve been to Jerusalem. I picked up newspapers from a smiling vendor without a stand. Stacks of papers rested upon the ground. Large rocks held them in place. He had 14 children at last count and was 81. Each morning, he’d hoist me high to prove he was strong enough to sell me newspapers. He claimed his longevity, strength and happiness came from four … [Read more...]

There are two kinds of people — those who were born in March and those who wish they had been. My birthday is on St. Urho’s Day every year. Making another trip around the sun gives me cause to reflect upon what I’ve learned during this wonderful life. Goals are adjusted. Life is a series of things you didn’t expect. Back in the used to be when I was as smart as I’d ever be, … [Read more...]

We’ve all had near-death experiences. Eating your sister’s cooking, trying to break Joey Chestnut’s hotdog eating record, smoking an “It’s a boy” cigar, drinking milk that’s past its expiration date, driving a car whose oil should have been changed, eating suspicious school lunches, or buying a red car after a study found it’s pooped on most often by birds (green cars are the … [Read more...]

A friend suggested we try paintball. I declined. Here’s why. I liked Roy Rogers better than Gene Autry. I liked Gene Autry better than Hopalong Cassidy. I liked Marshal Matt Dillon more than the other three. I wanted to visit Dodge Center, Minn., because I thought it’d be like Dodge City, Kans., where Marshal Dillon plied his trade. That would have been great. I got a … [Read more...]

I was playing the part of me. I’d spoken at a thing in Alaska. My wife had accompanied me. I’d had a swell time. We flew home and landed at MSP Airport at a reasonable time. I remembered where our car was parked and we headed home. Because we’d been gone for a spell, my wife said we needed things. We stopped at a large mall in the Twin Cities because they had things … [Read more...]

He wouldn’t set his long underwear on fire to keep others warm. But he’s a good guy. He’d risen early because he’s an early riser. The morning’s brain fog and darkness had caused him to look for his cell phone by using the flashlight on his cell phone. That sounds goofy, but who among us hasn’t done something similar? He told me the tale of his tomfoolery outside the post … [Read more...]

My father was the last owner of every car titled in his name. Each automobile went directly from our shed with the big sliding doors to the junkyard. The auto salvage place paid $1 per year for a used-too-much car with more rust than miles if it could roll down the drive in a faked appearance of being operational. A car towed to the junkyard’s driveway could be given a push … [Read more...]

I’ll admit it, I’ve never milked almonds. I’ve never milked soybeans, rice, oats, hemp, flax, coconuts or cashews either. Apparently, milk comes from everything but milkweed. “Were you born in a barn?” I’m often asked when failing to close a door. I hadn’t been, but I took field trips to the dairy barn each day. It was a nice place to visit but I didn’t want to live there. … [Read more...]