“A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life’s persistent questions — Guy Noir, Private Eye.” That’s from the old Prairie Home Companion radio program. “Do you believe in UFOs?” someone who wasn’t Guy Noir asked. Like everyone, he had some crackpot ideas like the Vikings winning a Super Bowl during his … [Read more...]
What part of “uffda” don’t you understand?
Boy, howdy! I’d been contentedly looking at myself from the inside. Then my alarm exploded at 4 a.m. I usually wake up before my alarm sounds, but not this morning. First, I thought the disruption was part of a nightmare. I couldn’t find a crevice to shove the shrieking alarm, so I got out of bed. I can sleep through anything that doesn’t wake me, but the alarm gave me … [Read more...]
The Flatulent Donkeys sang, “Tears in my goulash”
“Do you like flying squirrels?” “I don’t know, I’ve never flown one,” I told the inquiring caller. Flying monkeys are kind of creepy and I’ve never seen a flying cow or donkey. While on the subject of donkeys, I shared my intentions with my wife who responded, “Have you gone soft in the head?” She mumbled, “Give blood, play donkey ball.” I’d planned on riding … [Read more...]
I felt as lucky as Kentucky on a fair day
It was time for me to get my fairs in order. Don’t follow the masses. Sometimes the “m” is silent. That was the advice I was given years back without asking for it. I ignored it and followed the masses to a county fair. Fairgrounds aren’t mediocre coffee. There is something for everyone unless you are someone for whom nothing is good enough. You can find complete gutter … [Read more...]
The first motorcycle in the township
We learn to live in a new way each new day. I’m part of the generation that’s afraid of quicksand. I’ve never seen quicksand, but I witnessed its treachery in plenty of old black and white movies. It was a standard trope in the old action films featuring jungles. I watched the enemies of Tarzan, dastardly fellows, fall prey to quicksand. It made a good story. I love it … [Read more...]
Finding fine times during bad times
We are experiencing high call volume. That’s what the telephonic voice said. I was wearing a weather-beaten rain poncho as I punched the speaker button on my phone. I needed the poncho because I was eating a juicy, South Carolina peach that made my taste buds dance the South Carolina Shag. The voice said, “We are experiencing high call volume. All our customer service … [Read more...]
I’ve drawn a line in the sandwich
I was careful to look one way before crossing the road. I pulled the Sunday newspaper from our rural mailbox. It was about my size, but I lugged it to my father who read the comics to me. The funny papers were a wonderland of color and wit. My father added sound effects. He brought “Dennis the Menace,” “Marmaduke,” “Peanuts,” “Beetle Bailey,” “Henry,” “Ferd’nand,” “Mark Trail” … [Read more...]
Stupidity isn’t an Olympic event yet
I felt like Ninny the Pooh. I’d called a friend by his brother’s name. Twice. How did I get so stupid? I didn’t study for it. I’ve said dumber things. This brain cramp barely moves the needle on the stupidity scale, but it annoyed me. I should be used to it because as soon as we can form words, we’ve said something stupid enough to hear crickets chirping. I was in … [Read more...]
Grappling with the complexities of 365 seasons annually
The chill is gone. Summer begins when the last snowman melts. It can’t be summer already. Summer was just here. We’re finding our way back to things. It helps if the weather is a little better than just OK – lovely green and blue days with grasses swaying in the gentle breeze. Those days cause me to consider E. B. White who wrote, “I arise in the morning torn between a … [Read more...]
Life is like a jigsaw puzzle only way different
I was so tired, I had to do the dishes in bed. My morning had begun in a garage where his noises were funnier than those made by my car. The mechanic leaned on the fender as he jiggled things under the hood. He smiled as if the exercise provided a modicum of excitement. Maybe it was a grimace or gas. He was one of those guys who spends an unlimited amount of time to achieve … [Read more...]