If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, what app do I use? I remember a day before apps when a kid named Harold got on the school bus and announced that from that point on, his name was Eugene. That wasn’t his middle name, but he preferred it to Harold. I could never remember not to call him Harold, but thanks to that memory, I remembered other things. I taught … [Read more...]
Frank Zappa and weasels ripped my flesh but I caught a crappie
Weasels ripped my flesh. My mother wouldn’t have approved — either of weasels ripping my flesh or me searching for a magazine article carrying that title. Years earlier, it’d been the main cover line of an issue of Man’s Life magazine. I’d not seen that magazine, but I’d heard of it. I’d hoped to somehow find it in a year-old Argosy magazine in the barbershop. “Weasels Ripped … [Read more...]
It’s one of Lester’s dirty little secrets
What is the official state muffin of Minnesota? Please phrase your answer in the form of a question as the state song “Hail! Minnesota” plays. Time’s up. It’s the blueberry muffin. Not all states have an official state muffin. It’s hard to believe, isn’t it? And they call themselves states? I’ll give you a much easier question. What is the state soil? It’s Lester. If … [Read more...]
A peacock doesn’t look that good wearing cargo shorts
You couldn’t sneak up on us. On our farm, we had worthy watchdogs. One was a dog that doubled as a cattle dog. The second was a flock of guinea fowl. The babies are called keets. It’s claimed that guinea fowl eat ticks, Japanese beetles, earwigs and grasshoppers. I know they loudly announce visitors, warning poultry and humans. A relative removed his hearing aids and claimed … [Read more...]
If I only had a brain with more bran
We didn’t have The Weather Channel. But we still had weather during my formative years. Things have changed. We continue to have weather, but today, The Weather Channel produces it, except for the wind. Wind turbines generate the wind. When I was a clever teenager, I’d noticed that all adults talked about was the weather. I grew up in Minnesota. The weather was a constant … [Read more...]
An answer to the eternal question
“Are all men idiots?” That was a challenging question and one with epic consequences. It was my wife who had asked. I couldn’t pretend I hadn’t heard her. I’d just had my ears cleaned. It might have been the first time, although I’d had uncles blow smoke in an ear or two to quell an earache. Fortunately, my ears never became hooked on smoking. The nurse hit each ear canal … [Read more...]
Dances with birds or the jays of our lives
My wife got me a nifty bird feeder for Christmas. Film rights are available. It holds sunflower seeds. Now I won’t have to do any cooking when she’s away. I situated the feeder in a fine place for me to watch birds. My neighbor Crandall stopped by. “You’re putting up a new bird feeder,” was his greeting to me. “You got me there. Guilty as charged,” I said. “Does … [Read more...]
He’s always wrong but never in doubt
My doorbell didn’t ring. It had voluntarily chosen to leave the labor force. I opened the door anyway and a robed visitor accompanied by sitar music walked in out of the dimming twilight. The renowned mystic from the Far East part of the township, the fabled soothsayer, the seventh son of the seventh son of the seventh son, the oracle from just down the road; Swami Davis … [Read more...]
Einar’s Hardware had everything I’d be getting
The weather was up to something. It always is. My parents took me to town where Santa Claus (who resembled a neighbor named Merle Wakefield) set up shop at the Hartland fire hall. I’m not sure where he parked the reindeer. I was part of a group of humble, snot-nosed (we were snot walruses) children who needed to be prodded to ask Santa for things we weren’t sure we deserved. … [Read more...]
The wooden pencil and an orange weren’t in a Christmas bag
When my father was a boy, he got a wooden pencil and an orange for Christmas one year. If he’d had low expectations, they might not have been low enough. He was from a large family and Grandma didn’t give him a gift receipt so he could exchange the pencil and the orange for black licorice. He was forced to do his homework on orange peels. Years later, Grandma gave me an … [Read more...]