My name is Batt. I’m a private investigator. I get $5 a day minus expenses. I’ve been meaning to write a business plan. I sat in my smoke-filled office located in my obscure corner of the world. I don’t smoke, but some things shouldn’t be reheated in a microwave. The leisure suit I wore matched any gravy stain. I’d learned plenty from the patter of tough talkers … [Read more...]
He didn’t know come here from sic ‘em
I’m trapped between two oceans. I often travel by automobile and when I do, I’m partial to roads. There is public transportation here, but only so many people can ride on one horse. If all the roads went away, I’d just mill around waiting for them to come back. The roads are all uphill, except those that are downhill. Before I was a licensed driver, I’d suggest my father … [Read more...]
Thinking of dead nettle while shopping the tall shelves
It might have been the best day in the history of the world. That hadn’t been confirmed by a meteorologist, an economist or a loudmouthed crackpot, but it was a dandy. I squatted like a baseball catcher while making those weird old-man sounds to marvel at the charm of the dead nettle growing in my fall yard. Each green leaf had a prominent silver stripe down the center. I … [Read more...]
I can’t part with my emotional support clutter
I finished it. Yay me! I can summarize the book in a single sentence. Get rid of things that no longer have a purpose or spark joy and keep only the things that are purposeful or meaningful. I’m not sure why I read a book on decluttering a home. The book wasn’t in my wheelhouse, but I’d just donated many dear books to a library and sought affirmation I’d done the right … [Read more...]
A lane was closed to ease congestion
A turtle passed me. It was a bafflement. I’d been humming the theme from “Jeopardy” as I paused on a busy highway. The turtle gave me a keen grasp of my situation. I don’t know what kind of turtle it was because it zoomed by so quickly. It might have been a Mitsubishi, but I think that was what I was driving. Upon further investigation, I discovered it was Labor Day and I … [Read more...]
We take odd things and make them our things
Why are the cardinals the last birds to leave the bird feeders at the end of the day? That’s a good question asked by a reader. I tell people they have asked good questions and hope that makes them feel good when I’m unable to answer their inquiries. I think I’ve got this one. Cardinals are among the earliest visitors in the morning and the last to leave the feeders at … [Read more...]
What did you learn or forget in school today?
I knew it was coming. It was an after-school special. I should have been prepared, but I never was. My young mind had been cast adrift in rough seas and it was easier to don a cloak of panic. “What did you learn in school today?” Mom asked me that every time I came home. Why couldn’t she have asked me what my favorite dinosaur was? That was a lot of pressure. There … [Read more...]
You can look at an eagle for a long time
“Which is better, one or two?” I wasn’t a jam judge at the county fair. I was having an eye exam. The optometrist asked me repeatedly which of the two lens choices improved my vision. I couldn’t tell and never can. I picked one by doing a “One, two, sky blue, all out except you” in my head. I want splendid vision and I appreciate those with splendid visions for the … [Read more...]
The Fair is where any problem can be solved with onion rings
It’s too hot, too humid, too rainy, too cramped. Too bad. Like moths to a lightbulb, we are drawn to it. It’s the local equivalent of Disney World. It’s the County Fair, a vast land of stomach-expanding foods. Men are powerless against massive quantities of grease. My neighbor Crandall, a noted carnievore who always asks for extra grease, said he was just going to have a … [Read more...]
Pickleball-playing pioneers found no place to practice on the prairie
They discovered the dried remains of a long-dead bird in a keepsake box. That caught my attention. Those weren’t catch-and-release words. A Nebraskan was sharing a tale from the days when covered wagons roamed that state. On the way to meet the Cornhusker and others at a state park, I’d seen a sign advertising an open house for a home for sale. I figured it wasn’t for a sod … [Read more...]