I heard a bird singing merrily on high. It was a crow. It was 30 years ago. I still played basketball. After a hard-fought battle on the hardwood, I stopped at a supermarket to make my shopping list happy. There was a stack of heated dog dishes by the door. They were not big sellers as they’d been reduced to $2. I bought one as any big spender would have. I should have bought … [Read more...]
It isn’t fake-effect snow
What’s your favorite part of living where you do? How would you describe where you live in a single sentence? Did you mention the weather in your second answer but not the first? Someone from southern Alabama called and offered me a writing gig. He asked about the weather. That’s obligatory. I told him I was putting the skis on my rocking chair. A caller from … [Read more...]
What did Merriam and Webster name their dogs?
I put my car into reverse. That took me back. I thought about dog names. I’d been listening to an audiobook that mentioned a dog’s name. Bella and Max are the most popular names for dogs today. I’ve been fortunate to hang out with a good number of dogs during my existence but none of whom were named Bella or Max. The reverse gear took me to a day before Christmas back … [Read more...]
The junk drawer couldn’t hold it all
By Al Batt I woke up one morning. That’ was the good part. I woke up and realized I had too much junk and I’m the only one who wants the junk I don’t want anymore. Let me clarify that: I’m the only person in the world who ever wanted my junk and I no longer want it. That didn’t give me a euphoric feeling, but discernment doesn’t come just for my beatitude. Everyone in my … [Read more...]
Enjoy your cranberry sauce and watermelon pickle sandwich
This year it’s turkey, stuffing and masked potatoes. I remember another rough patch at Thanksgiving back when Grandma was still living. We had a small turkey that year. There was a message tied to one of its legs. She didn’t worry about finding the perfect turkey. She knew it didn’t exist. James Beard, the late chef, said, “Food is our common ground, a universal … [Read more...]
Back when Googling was nothing more than goofy giggling
The first vehicle I fell in love with wasn’t a Corvette or a Mustang. It was a bookmobile. I miss libraries. I know some are open, but the ones I haunt offer limited services. I still get books, but I do so without entering a library. My screen had gone wavy, so I knew it was a flashback to a day in high school, back when girls introduced me to their mothers, “This is Al … [Read more...]
Get your antivirus protection installed in the drive-through lane
By Al Batt “Yeah, well, you know, that’s just like, your opinion, man.” The Dude said that in The Big Lebowski. I enjoy movies that make me laugh. I was almost in a movie when I appeared with the famous producer, director and Opie, Ron Howard — or a guy who looked like him — in the same airport. And I sat next to a massive St. Bernard in a movie theater. What was the dog … [Read more...]
Make saying “thank you” great again
By Al Batt “Much obliged.” I said that as I paid a big bill that caused me to clench my teeth. I said that because the person grabbing my hard-earned money hadn’t mumbled a “thank you.” My mother told me I could never thank anyone too much. Such an appreciation conveys gratitude. It lets someone know that I’m not taking them for granted. A lady who was vertically … [Read more...]
I don’t know beans about coffee
It’s not rated “E” for everyone. I’ve been told the world runs on coffee and bad decisions. Sip, sip, hooray! People drink coffee with such gusto and delight, I have an urge to drink it. Then I remember the taste. How do I like my coffee? I don’t. It won’t dent the coffee table economy, but I don’t drink coffee. All my taste buds, except Maynard, find coffee … [Read more...]
An eerie yearie is 2020
I looked for toad feathers. The unexpected is expected in 2020, so this might be the year to find toad feathers. The year has provided a bag of mental pretzels. Some folks wish 2020 would hurry to an end. I’m not one who wants to grease the skids for its getaway as I don’t want to wish away a minute of my life. As a boy, I wished for Saturdays. My mother warned me not to … [Read more...]
Making good time going home from a good time
We took no vacations. We had to make good time going home from a family gathering because we didn’t have a good time taking vacations. My father drove. My mother rode shotgun. I sat in the backseat, as a free-range child not constrained by a seatbelt because there was no seatbelt there. I counted things I saw out the window — cows, dogs, tractors and pheasants. I tried to see … [Read more...]
Junco is an acronym for Just Until Nicer Conditions Occur
The temperature dropped as if it had spotted a State Patrol squad car. Then something landed in my yard. It was no mere bird. October 1 was the day I saw the first dark-eyed junco of the fall migrated into in my yard. I like juncos. I practice an appreciation for birds, but I was reminded of something Dr. Seuss wrote, “How did it get so late so soon? It’s night before it’s … [Read more...]
The contents had burned but the structure was unharmed
I remember it being the year after all the needles had fallen off the tree three days before Christmas. I was at a family reunion smaller than Rhode Island. They were talking of past glitter and petty schemes. They were my family’s elders. I’d guess their average age had been about 104 years. Judging by their wild and weedy eyebrows, none of them were narcissists. I enjoyed … [Read more...]
It’s fall when even my feet smell like pumpkin spice
Fall is when we give serious thought to winter. Winter is when we begin looking forward to spring. When does fall begin? Is it the astronomical date of the autumnal equinox on September 22, the meteorological date of September 1 or Labor Day? No matter, it’s when winter looms. Winter is imminent for a long time. Sarah Morgan Bryan Piatt wrote this, which is only slightly … [Read more...]
I stole a car that wouldn’t start
You picked up the phone and you hoped for the best. That’s how it was before everything went to voicemail. I’d returned to the big city after a daring rescue mission to free food from my parents’ pantry. I’d opened my apartment door to a ringing telephone. It was a friend who was working out of town. We played basketball together. He said he thought he’d left the keys in his … [Read more...]