Becky Stocker’s mom was healthy and active, living on the same farm as her daughter when she passed away rather unexpectedly. Becky had to care for her dad and was coping with the grief of losing her mom. She decided to attend a Mayo grief group in Rochester, but hated driving to Rochester for each meeting.
Serendipitously, Becky learned from a friend about a grief support program called GriefShare. Her friend was a leader for GriefShare in Cannon Falls.
GriefShare was helpful for Becky; knowing grief was something everyone deals with at sometime in their lives, Becky wanted to share this resource with others in the area. She asked her pastor if it would be okay if she started a GriefShare group at Rushford Lutheran. The pastor enthusiastically supported the idea.
As Becky checked into leading GriefShare, she learned that they suggested having a co-leader. Becky asked her friend Glen Kopperud to join her in leading the fledgling group. “It’s nice to have male/female co-leaders and our personalities balance each other,” Stocker commented.
In the fall of 2020, the duo began the first 13-week session of GriefShare, meeting at Rushford Lutheran Church. Another session was held beginning in the spring of 2021; a third began in the fall of 2021. That was too much grief for Becky.
“It takes energy to care. It’s an honor, but it’s difficult to see people grieving,” Becky quietly noted. Becky and Glen now put on one session each year in the fall.
Stocker and Kopperud are not grief experts. GriefShare sent a training video as well as a leader’s guide to help them prepare to lead the group. They have access to a real person for any questions or advice and there are additional resources available online.
Sessions are about 1½ hours long. The faith-based curriculum consists of a video section with counselors and other people sharing their grief stories. After the video, the group discusses the video’s topic. No one is ever forced to talk or share.
The curriculum includes a workbook with things that group members can do during the week. Each week’s workbook section begins with a real person’s experience and then it asks leading questions for the group member to think about and respond to. The workbooks are just for the members’ use; they are never checked by the leaders.
The first week of GriefShare is titled, “Is This Normal?” The program stresses that there is no right way to grieve; there are NOT stages of grief that predictably come one after the other. The program emphasizes the goals of grief instead. “You have permission to be where you are,” Becky explained.
Following weeks’ lessons discuss regrets, self-care, anger and hope and resilience to name a few.
While the curriculum is faith-based, you do not need to be a member of Rushford Lutheran or any other church to attend the sessions. The pastor is not involved in the sessions.
Sometimes people may need further professional help and choose to seek such help in addition to attending the group.
Group size varies – one time there was only one person, but usually there are 6-10 people. It helps to have several people so they can discuss the topics presented. Although the first group in 2020 was composed of all women, in the two recent groups the male/female ratio was quite balanced.
One of the groups got into the habit of sharing jokes at the sessions. “Laughter is good!’ Becky declared. It made the members comfortable with each other.
Standards are set at the initial meeting; people encourage each other. About 95% of the people who come to the group end up completing the 13 weeks. “People are amazing and resilient – so kind, respectful and supportive of each other!” Stocker exclaimed.
Some people have gone through the grief sessions a couple times. One person lost another person and returned to the group; some just choose to repeat because they find it helpful. Some people come right after losing a loved one and others wait a few years. Group members have been “overwhelmingly appreciative” of the grief group, according to Stocker.
When asked what she personally gets out of leading the sessions, Becky said she enjoys getting to know people better and becoming better friends with the people she already knew. She loves helping people in a relatively simple way by just talking with them.
Stocker and Kopperud informally take turns running different parts of the night’s session. One might find a song or poem to introduce the session, the other might lead discussion or the review.
Stocker’s advice for friends and families of people grieving is to listen more than they talk. “Don’t tell people how they should feel or what they should do. Don’t rush them in their grief,” were some of her suggestions. She noted that it depends on the level of your relationship with them. “People will sometimes say something that they mean to be helpful, but might come across as a slap in your face,” Becky cautioned. It’s hard for people to say and do the right thing when dealing with a grieving person.
A new GriefShare group will begin again in September. GriefShare has promotional materials that are available at funeral homes; churches are contacted about GriefShare and notices are posted in their bulletins. Ads are taken out in local papers as well. If you are searching for a group, you can find groups on the GriefShare webpage (GriefShare.org)
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