I was eating one of the few things Joey Chestnut hadn’t yet devoured. I ate a pickled egg while accompanied by the “Ewwww” sounds made by those assembled to eat other things. I’m as young as I’ll ever be, so please don’t yuck my yum. I’d been walking early that morning. I was wearing closed-toe sandals and a tiny pebble found its way inside a sandal and with each step, it … [Read more...]

I woke up with a start in the middle of the night. It wasn’t the cat coughing up a hairball the size of Idaho. What terrors interrupted my sleep? As a farm boy, it was usually the thought I’d forgotten to turn the water off in the barn or to close a gate and the cattle had either drowned or traveled to Abilene. This torment was the memories of dodgeball from back when the Dead … [Read more...]

We’d be stuck for words if it weren’t for the weather. We have an eternal preoccupation with the weather. Our memories of the weather are both a distant memory and a minute ago. No matter how good we feel, we’re under the weather. We say the weather doesn’t always agree with us. That’s true, but here’s a news flash: no one always agrees with us. I met a tractor-trailer rig … [Read more...]

Ladies and gentlemen, horses and fleas, bowlegged ants and cross-eyed bees, I’ll be home for Father’s Day; it’ll be a breeze. For Mother’s Day, Mom got flowers, candy and her favorite meal at a pleasant restaurant. On Father’s Day, Dad got a collect call from his son Allen, whose car had broken down over 30 miles from home. The car didn’t need a “check engine” light to tell … [Read more...]

I’ve never seen it rain cats and dogs, but it’s going to rain when I see the Johnson’s yellow dog chasing the Holland’s black cat. If you don’t know the Johnsons or the Hollands, never mind. My family elders were fond of saying, “The best thing to do when it’s raining is to let it rain.” There are two kinds of rainfall: too little and too much. The oceans hold 97% of the … [Read more...]

Welcome students, parents, teachers and staff of High Falutin High School. I know one of you has cruelly referred to this esteemed institute of learning as the Buffoon Factory. I say, shame on you, Principal Positivity. You students started school back when all things were unprecedented. It wasn’t that many years ago when you wanted to be a superhero. Now you’re wearing a … [Read more...]

By Al Batt I’d started working a summer job at a large factory. I don’t know how many people worked there. The guy who hired me said it was about half.  The day I began working there, I was accompanied by a friend who’d been hired to stack boxes. I ended up with a job requiring a safety helmet, a few basic tools and an industrial shop rag. As we entered our place of … [Read more...]

It was rush hour in a small town. I waited for the only other moving car to find a parking place and then I parked mine. I was hungry and there was but one eatery open – a bar. I walked in. Hamburgers were being made. There was enough grease in the air that I gained two pounds by inhaling deeply. I ordered a burger. The bartender told me that for an additional $1, I’d get a … [Read more...]

My sister made a sandwich of mustard and sugar on Wonder Bread. I ate it. The food delivery system during my formative years was primarily at home (or homes of others) or at school with occasional visits to Vivian’s Cafe, Minske’s (another cafe) and the root beer stand to enjoy a member of the Burger Family — Papa, Mama or Baby Burger. It was my duty to eat what I was … [Read more...]

I was in the grocery store. A man, holding a cellphone to his ear, stared at the shelves and said, “What kind of bread do you want me to get?” His wife was several aisles away. They had divided the food-gathering duties. People hear a pair of great horned owls hooting back and forth, and wonder what they’re talking about. The duets help the owls stay in touch and reinforce … [Read more...]

Spring is right around the snowbank. Spring is when the snow gets warmer. There is no need to call the calendar repairman. Our seasons need training. Doug Larson wrote a perfect description of spring, “Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush.” A couple of other illustrative quotations are “Spring is the time of year when it is summer in the sun … [Read more...]

A friend grumbled about his bother-in-law. Did he misspeak or didn’t he care for the man? I attended a retirement party for a brother-in-law. He’s a great guy and I was happy when he’d found a job and now he’s retired. I enjoyed some little smokies (cocktail sausages) with friends. Little smokies are the Cadillac of appetizers for those of us feeding below the caviar … [Read more...]

He shouldn’t forget. It’s always under his hat. It was cold and I was going for a walk, so I donned headwear. It was a shabby, high-mileage cap carrying a logo advertising Zeiss, a leading technology enterprise operating in the fields of optics and optoelectronics. I walked a trail where other hat wearers walked. One wore a smart-alecky hat with a message reading, “Sorry … [Read more...]

Buying used underwear. That has nothing to do with this column, but I had to start it some way. Our refrigerator doesn’t have an icemaker. We have refrigerator magnets in there because the door was fully covered. It’s nice when the ice leaves the lakes, but it’s wonderful when the ice leaves my driveway. Anyone who lived through the Ice Ages knows that exhilaration. There … [Read more...]

I felt like I should be pulling a semitrailer. I lost my wedding band while I was wearing cargo pants. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking my wedding band retired to Florida where they play ancient rock and roll at senior citizen centers. Not that wedding band. I’ve lost them too, but what I’m writing about is the wedding band I wore on my ring finger. I walked … [Read more...]