“Tell me about yourself.” That’s what the fellow seated next to me on the airplane said. When someone says, “Tell me about yourself,” where do you begin? I replied, “I’m a father and a grandfather. I was born in Naeve Hospital in Albert Lea. I have a supercalifragilisticexpialidocious family.” I thought that ought to hold him, but he asked what I did for a … [Read more...]
That’s no Weather Vane; it’s Tula the Wild Turkey Hen
A friend stopped by to tell me there was a turkey on the roof of my house. I told him it was Tula. My wife named her, but the yard turkey (a wild turkey hen) didn’t care. She was busy chasing rooster pheasants, squirrels, rabbits and crows. Tula flew high into a maple tree to harass the crows that appeared to take it as a game of tag in which they would never be it. They … [Read more...]
In Search of the Holy Grail of Greeting Cards
My wife, The Queen B, was searching for chocolate-covered radishes or radish-covered chocolates. I forget which. My bride was in hunting for the perfect Valentine’s Day gift. She must have been unable to find appropriate motivational socks. We were in a big box store, but it had many other things than big boxes. She had determined many years ago that I’m of little help … [Read more...]
Fighting over a Thermostat Should be a Winter Olympics Event
By Al Batt Iowa is a tropical paradise. I don’t know why Minnesotans winter in Florida, Texas or Arizona when they could experience pleasing weather in Nevada, Iowa. Iowa is a tropical state by any Minnesotan’s expert estimation. Most of my extended family is from Iowa. If you cup an ear, you’ll be able to hear all those relatives yelling, “Why did you have to reveal … [Read more...]
I’d Been Prepared to Perform Mouth-to-Bill Resuscitation on a Starling
“Good morning,” I told myself. A guy I used to know said, “Morning.” No adjective added. He figured if the morning was good or not was up to the person he had greeted. It had been a significant storm. It was apparent that I hadn’t agreed to winter’s terms and conditions. I’d just clicked “yes” without reading. I endeavored to dodge the slings and arrows of winter. The … [Read more...]
It Might Have Been Better but it Could Have Been Worse
By Al Batt It was 4 a.m. on a 14-degree January day. If you’re a Minnesotan, you’re probably thinking, “It could have been worse. It could have been 14 degrees below zero.” That’s a good point, but it got worse. There was a massive fire, and every fire department in the county was called to the scene. Each department performed masterfully, as they always do. It got … [Read more...]
Fine Dining at the Eat Around It Cafe & Video Rental
I’ve eaten at the Take It Or Leave It Café four times. John Muir wrote about “toiling in the treadmills of life.” Regardless of what kind of treadmill you’re on, it builds an appetite and when you’re hungry, it’s not the journey, it’s the destination. I wanted to put the foot of my hunger into the stirrup of ingestion. I went looking for a delicious and nutritious … [Read more...]
There Will Be Weather Each Day Except Every Third Monday
Reindeer sweat isn’t a pretty thing. The temperature on Christmas Eve in my neighborhood set a record high of 52 degrees. Not a single economist predicted that. The doorbell rang. I opened the door and a robed visitor accompanied by sitar music walked in out of the dimming twilight. The renowned mystic from the Far East part of the township, the fabled soothsayer, … [Read more...]
My Winter Bucket List is a Short One: Stay Warm
Into the mouth of the wolf, we go. I catch myself bundled beyond recognition and talking to a thermometer, “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?” Hi-ho, hi-ho, it’s off to winter we go. Those lazy, hazy, crazy days of winter. It’s the Great White. Do you imagine the toothy grin of a shark? I picture the icicle smile of winter. It’s Gilligan’s Winter and we’re stuck in … [Read more...]
No Pressure, but Burl Ives Wants Us To Be Both Holly and Jolly
“I am not emotionally prepared for Christmas to be in December this year.” I heard a friend say that. He’d waited so long to become an adult, only to discover that he wasn’t good at it. “When are you going to put the Christmas lights up?” his wife asked. “It’s too cold,” he replied. “I’m waiting until summer.” “Then it will be too hot.” “OK, I’ll do it next … [Read more...]