Was it Colonel Mustard in the conservatory with the candlestick? I was on my version of a hero’s journey, making a trip to town to do some light grocery shopping. A hero’s journey involves a hero (in this case, me) who goes on a great adventure, encounters roadblocks, is victorious in a battle against formidable forces and comes home transformed because Cap’n Crunch breakfast … [Read more...]
The TV ran all over us and left laugh tracks
Watching Ben Cartwright made me feel for Lorne. The TV looked down haughtily at me from its lofty perch as I sat in a waiting room, lingering in an uncomfortable chair. Service was running behind. Staff issues. It was a new TV presenting an old TV show. Do TV shows ever become antiques? “We get 793 channels and there’s not one thing worth watching,” grumbled a man working … [Read more...]
They made haste slowly
Even the compass pointed to Halloween. Like Don Quixote, I fight imaginary villains. I needed to do a few electronic signatures. This resulted in a series of blunders and frustrations. I used my forefinger to scribble what was supposed to be my signature on the screen of an electronic device. It wasn’t good. I know it needn’t have been perfect, but I wanted it to be readable. … [Read more...]
He died in a tragic sock accident
My great-grandfather died in a tragic sock accident. I asked my father for further details on his 70th birthday, but it was too soon. He couldn’t talk about it. My great- grandfather’s unfortunate demise is why I like to wear sandals. Sandals are safe because there is no need for socks and because I once had a pair of haunted socks. That’s another story. I like sandals … [Read more...]
It’s Colorado Rocky Mountain high jinks
Every day is a surprise. I walked on a moonless night when no star dared twinkle. It was as dark as a dark cloud with a dark secret. I walked without illumination because it was a trail I’d walked a thousand times before. I moved along in the vagueness until something hit me. Unbeknownst to me, a tree branch along the path had broken and become a hanger (widowmaker). I was … [Read more...]
The interest rate is high when you borrow trouble
We talked all afternoon and never ran out of things to say. It was a Mayberry moment on a front porch. A friend talked of his childhood experience of working for a farmer who offered him Copenhagen (smokeless tobacco) with the promise it would make him a man. He tried it and described the noteworthy event as the closest he has ever come to dying. One of life’s greatest … [Read more...]
Have you ever misspelled your name?
It’s nice to have a name you can remember. I live a mile from where I was born. I had no choice. My mother said nuts didn’t fall far from the tree. I grew up amid people named Nelson, Olson, Hanson, Sorenson, Knutson, Gulbrandson, Jacobson, Peterson, Madson, Thompson, Hendrickson, Larson, Jenson, Erickson, Swenson, Christenson, etc., and I still have difficulty pronouncing … [Read more...]
Baw boomp ba
Baw boomp ba. Baw boomp ba. I tossed the ball against the wall, caught it on one hop and then threw it again. The small, yellow stress ball promoting Iowa Lakes Community College helped me to become lost in my thoughts. I was thinking summer leaves too soon. It comes quickly and then is looooooooooooooong gone. I don’t want it to go. Summer leaves carrying my claw marks. … [Read more...]
I can still fit into my old classroom
One of us had a pet rooster named Gary. My primary school class was made of equal amounts of good intentions and mischief. Naps were supposed to settle us down, but just as we’d fallen asleep in a lake of drool, it was time to wake up. We had a water fountain in the corner of the classroom, which fostered a need to raise our hands when we needed to use the restroom. “May I … [Read more...]
Do UFOs believe in you?
“A dark night in a city that knows how to keep its secrets, but one man is still trying to find the answers to life’s persistent questions — Guy Noir, Private Eye.” That’s from the old Prairie Home Companion radio program. “Do you believe in UFOs?” someone who wasn’t Guy Noir asked. Like everyone, he had some crackpot ideas like the Vikings winning a Super Bowl during his … [Read more...]
What part of “uffda” don’t you understand?
Boy, howdy! I’d been contentedly looking at myself from the inside. Then my alarm exploded at 4 a.m. I usually wake up before my alarm sounds, but not this morning. First, I thought the disruption was part of a nightmare. I couldn’t find a crevice to shove the shrieking alarm, so I got out of bed. I can sleep through anything that doesn’t wake me, but the alarm gave me … [Read more...]
The Flatulent Donkeys sang, “Tears in my goulash”
“Do you like flying squirrels?” “I don’t know, I’ve never flown one,” I told the inquiring caller. Flying monkeys are kind of creepy and I’ve never seen a flying cow or donkey. While on the subject of donkeys, I shared my intentions with my wife who responded, “Have you gone soft in the head?” She mumbled, “Give blood, play donkey ball.” I’d planned on riding … [Read more...]
I felt as lucky as Kentucky on a fair day
It was time for me to get my fairs in order. Don’t follow the masses. Sometimes the “m” is silent. That was the advice I was given years back without asking for it. I ignored it and followed the masses to a county fair. Fairgrounds aren’t mediocre coffee. There is something for everyone unless you are someone for whom nothing is good enough. You can find complete gutter … [Read more...]
The first motorcycle in the township
We learn to live in a new way each new day. I’m part of the generation that’s afraid of quicksand. I’ve never seen quicksand, but I witnessed its treachery in plenty of old black and white movies. It was a standard trope in the old action films featuring jungles. I watched the enemies of Tarzan, dastardly fellows, fall prey to quicksand. It made a good story. I love it … [Read more...]
Finding fine times during bad times
We are experiencing high call volume. That’s what the telephonic voice said. I was wearing a weather-beaten rain poncho as I punched the speaker button on my phone. I needed the poncho because I was eating a juicy, South Carolina peach that made my taste buds dance the South Carolina Shag. The voice said, “We are experiencing high call volume. All our customer service … [Read more...]