I didn’t go to St. Joseph, Mo., because Missouri loves company. I drove along the edges of things, and the weather was kind enough that I didn’t pack any puffy clothing. I joined people who live in a constant state of Missouri to watch basketball while increasing both my joy and my stress levels. Watching a granddaughter who is nothing short of outstanding is joyous, but it … [Read more...]
All Together Now, We All Yodel for Ice Cream
It was too windy to pick rocks. We file away things in our heads for little reason other than to give us something to do when we’re not picking rocks. Things melt in our mouths, in our hands and, sadly, in our minds. This little ditty remains firmly planted in my brain, “I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. It’s a gladdening ode to the sweet delights of … [Read more...]
Good Night. Sleep Tight. Don’t Let the Pillows Bite.
Part of a human being is a human sleeping. Sleep is easy. I can do it with my eyes closed. Follow your dreams and fall asleep. My brother could sleep standing up. I’m not that good, but I’m a competent sleeper. Most nights, I barely notice the sheets are made of razor wire, but there are those nights when I toss and turn, and turn and toss like a little kid on Christmas … [Read more...]
The Lasting Legend of a Larruping Good Lick in Ledyard
I played in a baseball game at the Field of Dreams near Dyersville, Iowa. The movie “Field of Dreams” tells the story of an Iowa farmer who plowed up his corn crop to build a baseball field, and then the ghosts of famous dead players come and play baseball on it. Why did he do that? Kevin Costner’s character, Ray Kinsella, built the ballfield after hearing a voice in his … [Read more...]
A Post Turtle Comes to a Fork in the Road
“Tell me about yourself.” That’s what the fellow seated next to me on the airplane said. When someone says, “Tell me about yourself,” where do you begin? I replied, “I’m a father and a grandfather. I was born in Naeve Hospital in Albert Lea. I have a supercalifragilisticexpialidocious family.” I thought that ought to hold him, but he asked what I did for a … [Read more...]
That’s no Weather Vane; it’s Tula the Wild Turkey Hen
A friend stopped by to tell me there was a turkey on the roof of my house. I told him it was Tula. My wife named her, but the yard turkey (a wild turkey hen) didn’t care. She was busy chasing rooster pheasants, squirrels, rabbits and crows. Tula flew high into a maple tree to harass the crows that appeared to take it as a game of tag in which they would never be it. They … [Read more...]
In Search of the Holy Grail of Greeting Cards
My wife, The Queen B, was searching for chocolate-covered radishes or radish-covered chocolates. I forget which. My bride was in hunting for the perfect Valentine’s Day gift. She must have been unable to find appropriate motivational socks. We were in a big box store, but it had many other things than big boxes. She had determined many years ago that I’m of little help … [Read more...]
Fighting over a Thermostat Should be a Winter Olympics Event
By Al Batt Iowa is a tropical paradise. I don’t know why Minnesotans winter in Florida, Texas or Arizona when they could experience pleasing weather in Nevada, Iowa. Iowa is a tropical state by any Minnesotan’s expert estimation. Most of my extended family is from Iowa. If you cup an ear, you’ll be able to hear all those relatives yelling, “Why did you have to reveal … [Read more...]
I’d Been Prepared to Perform Mouth-to-Bill Resuscitation on a Starling
“Good morning,” I told myself. A guy I used to know said, “Morning.” No adjective added. He figured if the morning was good or not was up to the person he had greeted. It had been a significant storm. It was apparent that I hadn’t agreed to winter’s terms and conditions. I’d just clicked “yes” without reading. I endeavored to dodge the slings and arrows of winter. The … [Read more...]
It Might Have Been Better but it Could Have Been Worse
By Al Batt It was 4 a.m. on a 14-degree January day. If you’re a Minnesotan, you’re probably thinking, “It could have been worse. It could have been 14 degrees below zero.” That’s a good point, but it got worse. There was a massive fire, and every fire department in the county was called to the scene. Each department performed masterfully, as they always do. It got … [Read more...]