By Laura W.
Fillmore County Domestic
Violence Advocate with
Women’s Shelter Inc.
In small communities, it is common to glance through the criminal reports in the newspaper or scan the jail roster, curious to see if we recognize any names. While this curiosity is human nature, it is worth pausing to ask: when does that curiosity cross the line and become harmful?
As the Domestic Violence Advocate for Fillmore County, I work closely with survivors who have endured unimaginable physical, emotional and psychological abuse. Too often, our society approaches conversations about domestic violence from the wrong perspective. We ask, “Why didn’t you leave? Why did you go back?” when the better question should be, “Why would someone choose to harm the person they claim to love?”
On any given day in my office, I sit with victims whose faces are wet with tears as they share stories of years of abuse. They describe believing they caused the violence – blaming themselves for not having dinner ready on time, for not keeping the children quiet, or for leaving the house less than spotless. Many feel profoundly isolated, with no family nearby, trapped in cycles of fear and control.
Throughout the long months of a criminal case, I walk beside victims as they engage in therapy, attend support groups, and begin the slow process of rebuilding their confidence. Yet, while they work tirelessly to heal, the community often unintentionally adds to their burden. When details of a case appear in the local newspaper, survivors are suddenly confronted by acquaintances asking invasive questions – not out of concern, but out of gossip. This forces victims to relive the most traumatic moments of their lives, in public, without consent.
I’ve assisted victims with trying to sort through their feelings which are a constant rollercoaster. They try to heal from years of abuse that were finally reported. But, sometimes over the weekend when their abuser’s criminal case is put in the local newspaper, people begin asking what happened. Human nature also kicks in and reactions are to “pick a side” and do our own investigating. Sometimes it leads to the blame game.
I understand the need for public awareness and transparency. However, we must also practice what I call “victim etiquette.” It means recognizing that survivors are already carrying a heavy load, often working harder and longer than their abuser just to recover and move forward. Asking them to recount their trauma serves no healing purpose; it only reopens wounds. Our court system is not designed for victims.
With the court case excerpt put into the newspaper, and a victim is asked by an outsider about their abuser – how do you think that can help them? Consider how it feels to have everyone in your community know the details of your most terrifying experiences. Imagine being asked about your abuser while still struggling with nightmares, triggers, and the daily effort of putting life back together. These questions are not harmless. They are deeply intrusive and can cause further harm.
We must also remember that calling law enforcement is rarely a victim’s first cry for help. In fact, by the time a report is made, abuse has usually been occurring for months or even years. Survivors face overwhelming fear, shame, and doubt long before they ever seek outside assistance. Most of us cannot comprehend what a victim has gone through. Think about your intentions when asking as it could slam the door on someone that may need you.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. So, before you ask someone about their “situation,” pause and reflect on your intentions. Are you seeking to genuinely help – or simply to satisfy your curiosity? True compassion means respecting a survivor’s privacy, offering them space, and letting them know they are believed and not alone. Educate yourself on local resources or speak to a professional on a situation that you may know of and how to be of the best support for that person. If we tell a victim what they should do, we are treating them the exact same way their abuser has treated them. Don’t question the victim, question the abuser. That’s the only way to help a victim become a survivor.
If you need help in Fillmore County, please call 507-273-3547 or the 24-hour crisis line for the Women’s Shelter at 507-285-1010.
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