They lived happily ever after!

When I was a little girl I was told the fairy tale of Cinderella.  How she was discovered by the prince, fell in love, married, and set up housekeeping in his castle where “they lived happily ever-after!”

I was 30 when my prince came along.  “Glenn” and I “fell in love” and after our wedding, began our life together in our “castle,” a one bedroom efficiency apartment.  It was a small space.  Clearly, old patterns of behavior would have to be sacrificed.  Negotiations began immediately.  Who would control the TV remote?   The bank account? How would we share tasks such as shopping, cooking, cleaning and laundry? How could we apportion our time fairly to both our families and accommodate our friends?

Just as our routine became comfortable Glenn was offered a job in Minnesota.  We put all our worldly goods on a truck and headed west.  I found myself leaving friends and family in Pennsylvania and starting a new life in an area that was foreign to me.

Before long we bought our first home.  We then had a mortgage, taxes and insurance, a two story house to clean and maintain, a lawn to mow and in winter, sidewalks to shovel.

During our first four years in Minnesota we became parents.  We produced three sons, who provided us with entertainment and many challenges.  Fortunately, I was able to stay home during this time.  I was a superstar taking care of every one’s needs.  As the boys grew, Glenn and I were active in PTA and community activities.  The boys were in sports programs and needed to be chauffeured about.

When number three was still a baby I went to work selling home furnishings at a department store.  The following years were increasingly complicated as my husband struggled with alcohol addiction and periods of unemployment.

The drama in our lives accelerated when I became employed in a series of factory jobs where I did shift work.  Working nights was weird, but I found working second shift was more problematic.  My husband was then required to take on cooking and serving the evening meal, supervising the boys’ homework and bedtime.

In Fiddler on the Roof, Tevye asks his wife Golde,  “Do you love me?” Golde ignores him.  He persists.  “Do you love me?”  She answers impatiently, “For 25 years I have cooked your meals, washed your clothes and shared your bed!”  Tevye asks again, “But do you love me?”

As the years go by, it is not surprising that with all the demands made on both partners that long conversations and “intimacy” fall by the wayside.  For most people, marriage involves struggle, courage, perseverance and faith to survive.  Divorce which at times may be necessary is often a “permanent” solution to a “temporary” problem.  What seems important at 40 may lose relevance as you approach 60.  Relationships are what life is all about.  It’s no fun being alone.

Well, here Glenn and I are, 53 years later, still together.  It has been a precarious and difficult journey, but now we are grateful every day for our time together.

Our concern at this time is for our sons. So far, the “fairy tale” has eluded them.  We see them caught up in the same struggle we experienced.  They are faced with unemployment, healthcare that is not affordable, and keeping pace with a rapidly changing economy.  The stress may cause them to retreat within themselves and feel isolated and abandoned instead of uniting with their spouse against the forces that are attacking them.

I find solace in the words of Matthew Arnold, “ Ah love, let us be true to one another!  For the world which seems to lie before us like a land of dreams, so various, so beautiful, so new, hath really neither joy, nor love, nor light, nor certitude, nor peace, nor help for pain; and we are here as on a darkling plain swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight, where ignorant armies clash by night.”