10. Slime. It’s everywhere: coming out of every part of your darling children, being made by your darling children out of what was once a painstakingly homemade dinner, and suddenly appearing on your clothes and you just. Don’t know. How. Everything is slimy and it’s best not to think about it.
9. Repetition. You will watch the same episode of “Paw Patrol” 400 times. Do not question. Do not try to escape. Submit yourself to the policies of the Patrol. Do not yelp, for there is no help.
8. A workout. Five years ago I would definitely have to psych myself up to climb two sets of stairs carrying 25 pounds. Now? That’s bedtime. As soon as the kids grow into the non-bonkers age, I’m going to have to start shot-putting Volkswagens to get the same experience.
7. A lack of shame. Imaginary picnics, wearing a princess crown, singing the opening theme of Paw Patrol at the top of your lungs, whatever. If it makes those little spuds smile, you do it. Especially during potty training. Fun fact: I used to nearly gag as a child just by pulling out the sink stopper after doing the dishes. Now I reach my hand in, grab some soggy mass of what was once food, and chuck it without even blinking.
6. A lack of sleep. Saturday, 6:30 a.m. and the silence is shattered over the monitor: “MAMA, MAMA, MAMA, UPPY, UPPY, UPPY. DADDY? DADDY! UPPY DADDY UPPY!” This is almost always following by the two-year-old rattling the security gate like he’s Al Pacino in Dog Day Afternoon.
5. Taking a punch. Your little rays of sunshine will just haul off and belt you one. Or kick you in unpleasant places. Or headbutt you like an MMA champion. Keep your gloves up or you might lose a tooth.
4. Throwing things away. It’s hard the first time you throw out a partially slimy piece of paper with purple crayon scribbled on it because, “It’s you at work, Daddy!” but you get used to it. If you don’t, you find yourself able to wallpaper every room in your house with scribbles, dribbles, and reports of when they filled their pants… and all of them pre-moistened!
3. Chaos. There will be screaming, things falling, a cat complaining, and cereal flying everywhere… at the same time. This is your life now.
2. Losing it. There are times when you’ll break. Maybe you’ll shout, maybe you’ll hide in the bathroom for a few minutes, maybe you’ll eat half a pack of Oreos as soon as they go to bed… and it’s all okay, because…
1. Getting it back: No matter how slimy, crazy, or painful it gets, you’ll get a hug out of nowhere, or your little adorables will say something so darn earnest and sweet, or you’ll catch them sharing or actually having fun without breaking anything… and you’ll remember exactly why you wanted to have these tiny little humans-in-training in your house. For all of the madness, for all of the desperate bathroom cookies… it’s worth it. The world may be absolutely crazy right now, and the IPCC says we only have about 12 years left before Climate Change goes completely off the rails… but for just a half hour, let’s forget about that and snuggle up with our kids before the episode is over and they punch us in the throat again. Sometimes, Paw Patrol doesn’t just save the citizens of Adventure Bay, sometimes they save mom and dad, too.