Journal Writing Project… Coming out

By Leah Himlie

Everyone has things of which they are scared. Some people are terrified of spiders, while others cannot bear the thought of elevators. It’s different for everyone. Despite everyone being different, most people are afraid of being rejected for who they really are. This is a fear many members of the LGBT+ community face every day.

Coming out is one of the scariest things a person can do. Coming out means presenting the real you to others. There are no walls, no closet doors, between you and the other people. That means that whatever response those people have goes right to the heart, whether it’s a good response or a bad one. This is especially true when the person who is coming out cares what the people to whom they are coming out think. That’s why it is important to be supportive when someone comes out, especially for the first time.

Coming out is a personal decision. Since it is a personal topic, everyone feels differently and has different situations, so what is written here will not apply to everyone; however, when someone decides to do it for the first time, it usually isn’t on a whim. Many people think about it and consider it for a long time, the way one would consider doing anything life-changing, before resolving to do it. Even after resolving to come out, the fear may remain because what if the person they tell laughs? What if that person says it’s a phase? What if that person hates them? Even if a person is 99% certain they will be accepted by the people to whom they are coming out, the what-if remains, so the fear remains.

On the other side of things, you might be shocked if someone comes out to you. Even though you are shocked, there are some things that should not be said to the person coming out no matter what. Some specific examples include, “It’s just a phase,” “You’re too young to know,” “I knew that all along,” and “That’s not a real thing.” All of these phrases would hurt the person coming out more than some people might think.

“It’s just a phase” is hurtful because it implies that whatever the person is coming out as isn’t important. It implies that it’ll be over soon and the person will “go back to normal.” The phrase also perpetuates the idea that once someone is out as something, they can never change. That is not true. People change all the time, and just because something may be a phase doesn’t make it unimportant. For example, as a child you may have loved Disney. You grew out of it, but it influenced who you became. Some things are only right for a short amount of time, and that’s okay.

“You’re too young to know” is hurtful for the same reasons as “It’s just a phase.” Even if someone is too young to know for sure, they can always change their label later in life. Part of life is figuring one’s self out, and one is unlikely to get it right the first time. Labels are about finding the one that feels right, and one can’t do that without trying a few on. Declaring one’s self gay or bisexual does not have to be the be-all-end-all. People are allowed to experiment with labels to figure themselves out.

“I knew that all along” is a very rude thing to say because it makes the situation about you, the confidant. The situation where someone else is coming out is not about you. A more appropriate response is, “This doesn’t change anything between us.” Then you are making sure this person knows you accept them.

Finally, “That’s not a real thing” is one of the worst things someone could hear. It is mostly used against people with lesser-known identities such as aromantics, demisexuals, or genderfluid people. The sentence invalidates the person and has the power to destroy their self-confidence and pride in who they are. You gain nothing by saying anything invalidating, not just these things, but you might lose a friend.

Coming out is scary, so it’s important not to be rude or invalidating. Chances are that the person who is coming out will be vulnerable to any hurtful words. That’s why it’s important to choose your words carefully no matter what you may feel about it. Their coming out is not about you. Lastly, even though all people come out differently to different people at different times, never out someone before they’re ready. It’s a personal choice to come out, and if someone is out to you, that means they trust you. Don’t break that trust.

Leah Himlie is a student at Rushford-Peterson High School. She is one of eight area students participating in the Journal Writing Project, now in its 20th year.