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INC. for President

Fri, May 9th, 2008
Posted in Commentary

I figured out the problem with political races- human beings are just too flawed to withstand such scrutiny and pressure. We get to see all their weaknesses, their peculiar family members that remind us of our peculiar family members. We hear about their finances as if we could relate to their hedge funds and speculative real estate transactions. We are drenched in discussion on matters of sex and prayer. With the schedules the major candidates maintain, I'm guessing they have their aides doing the praying and sex is out of the question.

I suggest we trade the humans in, give them a break, and choose a corporation to be our leader.

Look around your house- already you have a long and satisfying history with many of them.

Proctor and Gamble has been in the bathroom for years and years if we'd like a leader who is concerned for our most intimate needs. Sony and Panasonic have been entertaining our families, providing quality time in the living room. Now, I suppose the constitution might require the corporation be American born but we'll let the courts work that out. General Motors has taken us across the USA in our Chevrolets. Time Warner owns most of the media outlets so they deserve credit for almost everything we know, as well as all we don't know. Food starts with farmers in the field but we hardly recognize it that way - Kraft has really been feeding us and deserves consideration. We might note the size of Americans in recent years, and really thank Kraft for its contribution. Kraft should be honored as VP, at least. The Health Care giants care a great deal about our well being and should be in the race.

Now I could never vote for Walmart as leader because they are really an Evil Empire but it is a free country and many will consider Walmart to be the best candidate. These would be the same folks who voted for George W. Bush twice.

The debates can be moderated by any major network - not the journalists or anchors, the network itself. They might ask the corporate candidates:

• Compared to your wage slaves, how much do your CEO's get paid? If you fire them, how many millions do they get in go away money?

• We know you are abused and harassed by the EPA and such, so, how much pollution have you moved to a third world country?

• Since American workers are so difficult and wish to live on more than rice, how many jobs have you sent to follow the pollution?

• If we can finish this war, and need to start another somewhere, what commodity will we be fighting for?

• How will you control the threat of independent booksellers and coffee shops?

• Have you developed a tax plan that exempts you from any such burden? It would be a nice perk for a leader and what does a corporation need with roads and schools anyway?

• The closing remarks can be an explanation of a global economy and we, the voters, can all assume worshipful poses.

I predict we'd have record voter participation because while many people know more about Brittany Spears than they do about any political candidate, we all know, and most of us work for, a corporation.

And the best part, once our leader is chosen, true to corporate culture, no matter what happens, there is no one to blame and a quality assurance team can be formed guaranteeing full employment for the duration of the term.

I nominate Northwest Airlines as the Minnesota candidate since we built them a mega airport and all, they might owe us some favors. Oops, that's politics as usual again.

Beadrin Youngdahl lives in Peterson. She can be reached at beadrin@aol.com

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