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I should have been a Consultant


Fri, Apr 6th, 2001
Posted in

Monday, April 9, 2001

Now that I am a retired Country Gentleman, I think of all the years I wasted in what was known as Gainful Employment, when I could just as well have been a Consultant. Consultants donít really do anything, they just tell their clients what they think that their clients would like to hear. Had I been a Consultant, I would have had more time for myself, since Consultants donít have to keep regular hours. I could have worked out of my home and just mailed letters and made phone calls and when I wasnít writing letters and making phone calls, I could have gone fishing, traveled or I could have been a politician and spent my time and someone elseís money running for office. If I had been a Consultant, I could have gone around making after dinner speeches. Of course to be an after dinner speaker, one must first be invited to dinner and it has been my experience that dinner invitations are rather hard to come by.

Now that I think about it, I would never have gone fishing. Since I donít like fish, what would have been the point? As far as being a politician goes, it would have been just my luck to have gotten myself elected to some office and then where would I have been? I would have been some sort of social outcast, sitting in an office somewhere.

I did get to do some traveling after I received a letter from my friends, neighbors and The President of The United States inviting me to join the Army. I didnít think much of the opportunity but they made me an offer that I couldnít refuse. When I reported for duty, they told me that I was going to be a Pilot and they sent me out to Washington State where I learned navigation and how to pilot a boat. I never did figure out why the Army needed boats, but they gave me one and told me how to use it. I took the boat out onto the Straits of Juan de Fuca and managed to get it back to Port two or three times and then they said that I was ready to go overseas.

The War that we were having at the time was being held in Korea, so how did I manage to get sent to France? I spent over a year sailing up and down The Gironde Estuary and The Bay of Biscay and no one ever told me what for. The boat (it was a J Boat) was a cabin cruiser equipped with twin fifty caliber machine guns that never got fired, but always seemed to be in need of cleaning. Well, that was the Gunnerís problem. I donít know why we needed the guns since we were in France and they werenít mad at us and besides, we didn't have any bullets for them anyway. They did dress up the boat a bit and they did provide me with an income of sorts. I would let the ground troops come aboard and have their pictures taken manning the guns. They would send the pictures home to their girl friends and I only charged them a dollar a shot.

There was another nice thing about that J Boat; the gun platform was located in the cabin and was used as a chart table. It also made a good poker table. So in addition to serving my country in time of war, I was also the proprietor of a floating poker parlor. Well I didnít ask to be sent where I was, but since my friends, neighbors and even the President of The United States saw fit to send me to France, I thought that I might make the most of it. I have often thought that as far as my friends and neighbors were concerned, that they just wanted to get me out of town. I donít know what The President of The United States had in mind.

Well, I never did get around to becoming a Consultant, but my wife thinks that I could have become a very successful one. As she has often pointed out, someone who spends his time looking over the shoulders of the working class giving advice whether it is wanted or not, could just as well have been paid for it.

Now that I am a retired Country Gentleman, I think of all the years I wasted in what was known as Gainful Employment, when I could just as well have been a Consultant. Consultants donít really do anything, they just tell their clients what they think that their clients would like to hear. Had I been a Consultant, I would have had more time for myself, since Consultants donít have to keep regular hours. I could have worked out of my home and just mailed letters and made phone calls and when I wasnít writing letters and making phone calls, I could have gone fishing, traveled or I could have been a politician and spent my time and someone elseís money running for office. If I had been a Consultant, I could have gone around making after dinner speeches. Of course to be an after dinner speaker, one must first be invited to dinner and it has been my experience that dinner invitations are rather hard to come by.

Now that I think about it, I would never have gone fishing. Since I donít like fish, what would have been the point? As far as being a politician goes, it would have been just my luck to have gotten myself elected to some office and then where would I have been? I would have been some sort of social outcast, sitting in an office somewhere.

I did get to do some traveling after I received a letter from my friends, neighbors and The President of The United States inviting me to join the Army. I didnít think much of the opportunity but they made me an offer that I couldnít refuse. When I reported for duty, they told me that I was going to be a Pilot and they sent me out to Washington State where I learned navigation and how to pilot a boat. I never did figure out why the Army needed boats, but they gave me one and told me how to use it. I took the boat out onto the Straits of Juan de Fuca and managed to get it back to Port two or three times and then they said that I was ready to go overseas.

The War that we were having at the time was being held in Korea, so how did I manage to get sent to France? I spent over a year sailing up and down The Gironde Estuary and The Bay of Biscay and no one ever told me what for. The boat (it was a J Boat) was a cabin cruiser equipped with twin fifty caliber machine guns that never got fired, but always seemed to be in need of cleaning. Well, that was the Gunnerís problem. I donít know why we needed the guns since we were in France and they werenít mad at us and besides, we didn't have any bullets for them anyway. They did dress up the boat a bit and they did provide me with an income of sorts. I would let the ground troops come aboard and have their pictures taken manning the guns. They would send the pictures home to their girl friends and I only charged them a dollar a shot.

There was another nice thing about that J Boat; the gun platform was located in the cabin and was used as a chart table. It also made a good poker table. So in addition to serving my country in time of war, I was also the proprietor of a floating poker parlor. Well I didnít ask to be sent where I was, but since my friends, neighbors and even the President of The United States saw fit to send me to France, I thought that I might make the most of it. I have often thought that as far as my friends and neighbors were concerned, that they just wanted to get me out of town. I donít know what The President of The United States had in mind.

Well, I never did get around to becoming a Consultant, but my wife thinks that I could have become a very successful one. As she has often pointed out, someone who spends his time looking over the shoulders of the working class giving advice whether it is wanted or not, could just as well have been paid for it.

John Flaherty

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