"Where Fillmore County News Comes First"
Thursday, November 27th, 2014
Volume ∞ Issue ∞
- 8:03:53, Nov 24th 2014 - FountainFarmer - Doc, Why do people like you have to turn stories that don't have ... [Read More]
- 7:13:36, Nov 21st 2014 - FountainFarmer - doc, why do people like you think that every story needs a sense ... [Read More]
- 3:50:54, Nov 21st 2014 - Frank Wright - Does the author of this article realize it is not April 1st? ... [Read More]
- 3:03:32, Nov 21st 2014 - Roberto - That IS a stereotype on Libertarians from extreme right-wingers BTW. See ... [Read More]
- 5:10:46, Nov 17th 2014 - doc - I'm surprised conservatives aren't picketing there for their war on women. ... [Read More]
- 5:09:30, Nov 17th 2014 - doc - Is it illegal to push THEIR snow into the street though? ... [Read More]
- 4:16:40, Nov 15th 2014 - Gudrun - Ralph's burial at Arlington National Cemetery is scheduled for February 12, ... [Read More]
- 4:47:53, Nov 7th 2014 - KingslandGrad95 - Hey winters coming, why don't you take your concerns to that of the ... [Read More]
- 6:43:44, Nov 6th 2014 - winters coming - Tell Fillmore central in harmony that it is against the law to push t ... [Read More]
- 11:34:53, Nov 3rd 2014 - Tom Kaase - First of all, thank you again to Editor Jason Sethre for allowing people ... [Read More]
Fri, Oct 4th, 2002
Posted in Columnists
Posted in Columnists
Just about everyone knows what Columbus did in 1492, but almost no one knows what Heathcliff Hammarschlagg did in the year 845. What he did was, he discovered America is what he did. Both North and South and with only one ship, the Torsk, Heathcliff was not your typical Viking in that he was a non-violent Viking, a conscientious objector, so to speak. He had recently taken charge of the family business, which was the operation of a chain of Lutefisk and Lefse emporiums along the coasts of what we know as Norway, Sweden, Denmark, France, Spain, and Portugal.
On June 4, 845, Heathcliff Hammarschlagg and Hildebrand Horsekenfeld were united in marriage and set sail for a honeymoon and business trip on Heathcliff’s ship, the Torsk, with a cargo of Lutefisk and Aquavit. Two days out of Bergen they were caught up in a storm that tossed them about for quite a while. Since Heathcliff and Hildebrand were unaware of anything but one another and the crew was enjoying the cargo of Aquavit, no one noticed anything unusual about the weather. As all good things must come to an end, the good ship Torsk, having had enough, beached herself on the shore of a new land. A day or two later, Heathcliff came up out of the hold for a breath of fresh air, fell overboard and discovered America. Fortunately for Heathcliff, he did not land on a rock, but on a beach that is now known as Pismo Beach, California. The Honeymooners stayed at Pismo Beach until after the birth of their daughter, Hingasguurda; who, by the way, was the first white child to be born in America. When they had seen and done all that there was to see and do at Pismo Beach, they decided that they might as well set sail for home. They sailed South along the coast until a lookout reported that the land narrowed and he could see what appeared to be another ocean on the other side. Heathcliff thought that they could dig a ditch and float the Torsk to the other ocean, but Hildebrand told him not to be so dumb. It would take too long and besides that, they didn’t have any shovels. So they dragged the Torsk to the other ocean and set sail for home. Heathcliff and Hildebrand never told anyone where they had been because it had been their honeymoon and nobody’s business. The crew didn’t know where they had been and couldn’t have cared less. For those reasons, the world would not know of the new land for sometime to come and for that reason, banks and post offices do not close in honor of Hammarschlagg Day and certain men do not join The Knights of Hammarschlagg. What a Pity.