Yes, readers, I’m afraid it’s true. My two-year-old looks to be heading down that dark path and I figured it best to get this story out to the masses in an attempt to nip it in the bud. It isn’t easy having to relate all of this to you, but I feel I need to. If I don’t act now, there’s no telling what sort of crazy things my daughter might do as she gets older.
I first started noticing the problem when she would give me things. First, it was one of her blocks. Then, a stuffed animal. Before I knew it, she was sharing her own food with me. Now, as we all know, only a crazy socialist would give away something as precious as food. The proper thing to do, of course, is to keep as much of it for yourself, even if you can’t eat it all. Studies show the average 4-person U.S. household wastes $15,000 a year on food waste, but everyone treats that as bad thing. What they should be asking is, “Hey, didn’t it feel awesome to have all that stuff and not give it to anyone?” I swear, everyone’s such a bleeding heart these days.
I tried to brush off my daughter’s youthful indiscretion, thinking that eventually she’ll come around and start hoarding things like all other upstanding folk. But then, it started getting worse: she started carrying around her favorite stuffed owl and treating it like it was her own baby. I was horrified to see her not only pretending to feed the bird, but also hugging it, cuddling it, and even rocking it to sleep. Showing affection for an inanimate object could lead to major issues down the line. Next she’ll start thinking people should be able to go to the doctor if they feel bad! In this house, I’ll have you know, we pull ourselves up by the bootstraps and don’t rely on anyone, and we pay through the nose for healthcare. No one in this house is coddled, especially inanimate objects who contribute nothing to society but a false sense of security. If she continues to act compassionately to her toys, eventually she’ll start caring for pets, and possibly other members of the family, and we can’t have that. It’s survival of the fittest out here, you know, and there’s no time to be coddling others into a state of dependency… even stuffed blue owls.
Most recently, I’ve really started to fret because my daughter has learned few new crazy socialist tricks. For one, she’ll say, “I love you, Daddy,” even when there’s nothing to gain from it. Everyone knows that the way we do things around here is to only show care for others if it means you can get something out of it. I mean, even noble senators like Cory Booker know how to do it: make a big show for the cameras, then vote to keep drug prices high for working people. If my daughter thinks going around saying things like “I love you” to her father is a way to get ahead in this dog-eat-dog world, she’s got another thing coming.
And then, just within the last few weeks, came the latest bombshell. She’s started giving big, squeezy hugs. Now, outside of being a useless waste of raw energy that she could be using to start a hedge fund, this attempt to give affection in a physical way is the last straw. How does she think she’s going to have enough energy to work the estimated 68 hours a week to afford a one-bedroom apartment in Minnesota? Because you better believe we’re cutting her off the moment she graduates; this ain’t no charity we’re running. My daughter had better start getting smart about how and when she decides to be compassionate or generous too, or she’s going to wind up without a yacht.
Oh well… I’ll just convince myself that every squeezing hug is really just her adorable attempt to exploit my resources. That’ll help me sleep at night.
This article was for humorous purposes and does not reflect the actual views of the author, his amazing wife, or their wonderful daughter in any possible way.