I used to know a lot of people named Merle. I saw the name of one Merle I knew on a gravestone and thought, “No wonder I haven’t seen him around.” A Merle, who was part of a large family, told me he got his name because his mother had run out of other names. I still know a fair number of Merles, but not as many as I did. Maybe they’re making up in quality for what they lack … [Read more...]

I was on a chicken bus in Mexico. It was called that because chickens sometimes rode the bus to market. A woman seated in the rear of the bus I was on held a live chicken – a little red hen. The bus driver ground the gears on every shift as the vehicle struggled uphill. He couldn’t be blamed, as the shift lever on the floor was at an odd angle, indicating it had been … [Read more...]

The garage door opener is a wonderful invention. I used to have to get out of my car in the pouring rain and dodge lightning bolts while I yelled, “Lower the drawbridge” or “Open sesame” before grunting the door open manually. No more. I pressed the garage door opener and the door lifted as I sat comfortably in my car and marveled that the door knew where to go and when to … [Read more...]

We knew little, but we suspected a lot. Each day was a test we hadn’t studied for back in the time before Vanna White landed her demanding letter-turning gig. In a world filled with “aww” and “eww,” there were many mysteries. If medicine was good for us, why did it taste bad? Are the crusts of sandwiches good for us? Why do some people cut sandwiches diagonally? When I was … [Read more...]

It was a fly year. It was hot and humid, and the flies were sticky. Flies were left, right and center. I’d finished a gig of telling stories at a fair. People had been milling about, but now there was a lull. Feeling peckish, I procured a malt and looked for shade. I found it where wooden cable spools acted as tables and looked like the yo-yos of a fee-fi-fo-fum-sized giant. … [Read more...]

I slipped the surly bonds of the unfair and leaped like a graceful gazelle onto the county fairgrounds. It was fairly fabulous. People, lights, music and the racket of the carnival. There were fewer people than at an average Taylor Swift concert, but there was a sound carried by the fair air that reverberated as if a thousand people were standing in a corner and yelling … [Read more...]

I was traipsing down the magically delicious aisles of a grocery store. That’s the breakfast cereal aisle. I used to like breakfast cereals with things like a frogman in the box. “They swim... They dive... They surface... All by themselves!” There were three U.S. Navy Frogmen available in boxes of Kellogg’s Corn Flakes and Kellogg’s Frosted Flakes: an obstacles scout, a … [Read more...]

I’d turn pro if there was an apologetic league. I can say “I’m sorry” with the best of them. I can say “I was wrong,” but it takes more effort. My difficulty is nothing compared to politicians who refuse to admit being wrong even when provided with irrefutable proof of their errors (there’s no bottom to politics) or from economists who claim to have been right even when … [Read more...]

We were as young as we’d ever be. It was a major celebration. Nobody can throw a wingding like a small town. There were class reunions, a dance, a car show, a parade and a bocce ball tournament. The same team wins the bocce ball tournament each year. They’re the Atlanta Braves of bocce ball. I had the pleasure of selling used books as a fundraiser for the library. How do we … [Read more...]

I was eating one of the few things Joey Chestnut hadn’t yet devoured. I ate a pickled egg while accompanied by the “Ewwww” sounds made by those assembled to eat other things. I’m as young as I’ll ever be, so please don’t yuck my yum. I’d been walking early that morning. I was wearing closed-toe sandals and a tiny pebble found its way inside a sandal and with each step, it … [Read more...]

I woke up with a start in the middle of the night. It wasn’t the cat coughing up a hairball the size of Idaho. What terrors interrupted my sleep? As a farm boy, it was usually the thought I’d forgotten to turn the water off in the barn or to close a gate and the cattle had either drowned or traveled to Abilene. This torment was the memories of dodgeball from back when the Dead … [Read more...]

We’d be stuck for words if it weren’t for the weather. We have an eternal preoccupation with the weather. Our memories of the weather are both a distant memory and a minute ago. No matter how good we feel, we’re under the weather. We say the weather doesn’t always agree with us. That’s true, but here’s a news flash: no one always agrees with us. I met a tractor-trailer rig … [Read more...]

Ladies and gentlemen, horses and fleas, bowlegged ants and cross-eyed bees, I’ll be home for Father’s Day; it’ll be a breeze. For Mother’s Day, Mom got flowers, candy and her favorite meal at a pleasant restaurant. On Father’s Day, Dad got a collect call from his son Allen, whose car had broken down over 30 miles from home. The car didn’t need a “check engine” light to tell … [Read more...]

I’ve never seen it rain cats and dogs, but it’s going to rain when I see the Johnson’s yellow dog chasing the Holland’s black cat. If you don’t know the Johnsons or the Hollands, never mind. My family elders were fond of saying, “The best thing to do when it’s raining is to let it rain.” There are two kinds of rainfall: too little and too much. The oceans hold 97% of the … [Read more...]

Welcome students, parents, teachers and staff of High Falutin High School. I know one of you has cruelly referred to this esteemed institute of learning as the Buffoon Factory. I say, shame on you, Principal Positivity. You students started school back when all things were unprecedented. It wasn’t that many years ago when you wanted to be a superhero. Now you’re wearing a … [Read more...]